Whole Foods Bugs Me

Whole Foods is annoying. I just stopped at the one in West Hollywood for lunch. I entered in a decent mood, and I left pissed off. I can't quite put my finger on what it is...I think it's just the pure pretentiousness that its environment seethes with. Everything is so healthy and chill and mellow; it fills me with disgust.

Whole Foods is the irritating hippie chick who sat in front of me in high school chemistry who refused to listen to any band that was on the radio. It's the NPR of grocery stores. Everything about it is so goddamn liberal, from the vegan cookies to the hemp clothing to the "Legalize Gay Marriage" people soliciting donations out front. Could you see Glenn Beck shopping at Whole Foods? No way.

I'm not knocking liberals; in many ways I am one. But I hate liberalism that goes to the point of snobbery. I feel like people who shop at Whole Foods look down upon people who shop at Ralph's. Well guess what, assholes? I shop at Ralph's. Sometimes I enjoy food with sugar and additives and preservatives and carbohydrates. Excuse the fuck outta me. I just came in here to get a fucking sandwich. Is that all right with you? I'll be out of your way in five minutes, and then you can unplug your nose and go back to your conversation about the merits of socialism.

That's right. I'm talking to you, Raymond, my snotty little holier-than-thou cashier, with your alternative-hip blue hair and your "my parents don't get me" nose ring. I see the way you're eyeing me, like I've got "Bush-Cheney" tattooed on my forehead. Just ring me up, okay? Oh, I'm so sorry my sandwich has meat in it. We can't all be macrobiotic yoga enthusiasts, buddy. Why don't you take your recyclable grocery bag, fill it with soy beans, and go into the wild like that other ungrateful, grubby outcast you probably worship. Douchebag.

But, at the end of the day, they do have a really great salad bar.