Dearest Scottsdale,
You've got me all twisted up inside. I don't know what to think. We used to have such a simple, straightforward relationship: you sucked and I hated you, and that was that. Now, coming off my most recent four day stint in your bountiful bosom, in which I actually found you pleasant and enjoyable, I'm having a difficult time putting you back in my box of hatred.
In past visits, it was easy to find fault with you. Your oppressive 115 degree heat made it impossible to spend any time at all outside, unless I was running from an air conditioned car to an air conditioned building. Your stripmall storefronts offered little originality beyond the endless franchises of P.F. Chang's, Banana Republic and the like. I found your southwestern motif to be tacky and unsightly, exemplified perfectly by the stupid pebble mosaics decorating your freeway onramps. Your residents have rocks for lawns, instead of grass; cacti instead of trees.
And speaking of the residents, nary have I ever encountered a larger, more unified collective of douchebags in all my travels. Between the endless bedazzled Ed Hardy and Affliction t-shirts and my brother's friends bragging about peeing on his dog and getting DUI's, it seemed as if God had scooped up the dumbest, tannest assholes in Los Angeles and dumped them in the middle of the Arizona desert to create a new population. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that the founders of the city were two morons named Scott and Dale, who stayed up for two days straight trying to decide what the name of their new town should be. I don't know where the siren songstress Ke$ha is from, with her white trash glitter makeup and contemplative lyrics about kicking dudes to the curb who don't look like Mick Jagger...but in my heart of hearts, I have to believe it's Scottsdale.
And yet, something about this latest fling...I don't know. The weather was beautiful. The women were attractive and roamed in packs like schools of fish. I departed feeling somewhat upbeat, refreshed and renewed.
Maybe it was the right time of year. Maybe you're putting a bit too much fluoride in your drinking water. Whatever it is, keep doing what you're doing. I just might be back, if for nothing else than to give this whole dog-peeing thing a whirl.
Yours truly,
Kappy K
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"it seemed as if God had scooped up the dumbest, tannest assholes in Los Angeles and dumped them in the middle of the Arizona desert to create a new population. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that the founders of the city were two morons named Scott and Dale, who stayed up for two days straight trying to decide what the name of their new town should be."
ReplyDeleteHoly kvetch. I almost peed myself reading this. :)
<3 Ash (ley Sprecher)
Thanks Ashley. Oh, and thanks for letting me borrow from your FB status :)
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