Requiem for a Turtle

This post is a couple weeks overdue, but as I reminisce tonight, I realize that some recognition is in order for the creature who claimed the crown of the Worst Pet of My Life.

I came into ownership of Terry the Turtle by way of a Facebook post. A friend's roommate was looking to get rid of her small turtle because she was moving and couldn't take him with her. She offered to bring the little guy over, along with his tank and the rest of his accoutrements, and show me how to care for him, which promised to be relatively simple. So I agreed to adopt Terry.

I can't point to any sort of horribleness that occurred during Terry's brief stay with me. Sure, I had to purchase well over a hundred dollars worth of stuff shortly after acquiring him, including a new tank, because his current one was much too small. Yes, I had to constantly change his filter just to be blessed with looking at a few days worth of transparent water, before the tank became a disgusting, algae-filled swamp again. And there was the one morning I arrived to feed him, only to find the tank empty and, after much searching, discovered Terry hiding in a corner of the closet, thus foiling his lone escape attempt.

My main problem with Terry was his absolute lack of value as a pet. Most pets have some sort of return on investment: they're loyal, or cute, or cool to look at - something. Terry did nothing, provided nothing. His head disappeared into his body any time I came within ten feet of his tank. I couldn't hold him, pet him, or interact with him. I could only provide for him and feel sorry for him that his life wasn't better. He made me sad.

The only time Terry did anything worth watching was when I released a bunch of small goldfish into his tank, and he went about murdering them, one after another, biting their heads off and eating them. But that was a rare treat, for both him and me. There are only so many killing sprees you can go on.

In the end, I put an ad on Craigslist, offering to give away the whole lot. An eager Asian teenager showed up a couple days later, boasting of his knowledge of turtles and remarking on the timing: it happened to be his birthday.

Well, happy birthday, Asian kid. And Terry: I sincerely hope you're enjoying your new existence more than I enjoyed yours with me. It was real. It was nice. But not real nice.