Strippers are Unreliable

Today was my friend Adam's 30th birthday. Rather than buy him a present, I thought a better gift would be to give him a memory, something that would forever mark the mature transition into the adulthood of his thirties.

I decided to hire a stripper to wake him up by singing Happy Birthday while giving him a lap dance.

Pretty good idea, right? Who wouldn't want to wake up to a topless girl gyrating on top of you on your birthday? That's a memory that will last a lifetime.

So I went online a couple weeks ago, trying to find companies that could provide such a service. The one I landed on was called RisqueKitty.com. They had a good looking website, lots of girls to choose from in multiple cities, etc. In short, it looked like a legit operation. I called up and spoke to someone named Michael, who assured me he could provide what I was looking for.

I picked out a busty blonde named Heidi. Michael assured me she would be at Adam's house today, Friday morning, at 9AM, ready to sing happy birthday while grinding on his bedcovers. The price was $140, plus tip. I believe his exact words were, "No problem at all, you're all set."

Cut to this morning. I arose early and left at 7:30AM to make the drive from Hollywood down to Hermosa Beach, giving myself plenty of time to stop by the ATM for a roll of 20's. I had previously arranged for Adam's roommate Jason to let me in. Jason was also in charge of getting Adam nice and liquored up the night before, to ensure there were no early risings on this day. When I arrived, Jason came outside to assure me that Adam was still snoring snugly in his bed. Everything was all set.

Except the stripper didn't come. I had expected her to be a little late. But at 9:15 I called old Michael to see where she was. "She's probably stuck in traffic," he offered.

"Well...can you call her and see when she'll be here?"

He said he would. Another fifteen minutes. No stripper. No Michael. I called him back. No answer.

Jason kept running inside to make sure Adam was still asleep. He was, but Jason wasn't sure how much longer that would last. I called Michael a couple more times, but it kept going to voicemail. I was getting the unsettling feeling that he was now avoiding my calls.

Finally, at 9:50, I got ahold of him. "Yeah, she's not answering her phone, so I don't know what to tell you," he said unapologetically. "She probably overslept."

"Are you kidding?" I asked, in disbelief at his poor customer service skills.

"To be honest, you had a 50-50 chance of this happening anyway, just cause it's so early." I couldn't believe this guy. Was he actually blaming me for this complete destruction of a great idea?

"Oh really?" I asked. "I appreciate you telling me that NOW!"

"You're welcome. Have a nice day," he quipped.

"Fuck off."

I'd like to think I got that last part out before Michael hung up, but I'm 80% sure he never heard it. This angered me infinitely more.

So this guy totally ruined my birthday surprise. I had to quickly formulate a Plan B, which turned out to be chilling shots of vodka, waking Adam up myself and forcing him to drink. Which isn't terrible, I guess, other than the confusion he had of why I was in his house.

Who knew strippers could be so unreliable?

*Bonus Kvetch: Jason had alerted me the night before that Adam told him he had agreed to pick up another friend of ours, Kevin, from the hospital at 10AM after having a medical procedure done. Obviously, this would have screwed up everything, as it would have caused Adam to be awake and leaving the house right when the girl was supposed to come over. So I quickly called Kevin and told him that, while I didn't want to be insensitive to his deteriorating health, I would need him to contact Adam ASAP and tell him to come pick him up an hour later, and hang out in the hospital a little longer all drugged up on painkillers. Thankfully he was a sport and agreed, but the stripper's no-show makes me feel bad about that on top of all this.

Many people's lives were damaged today. Happy birthday, Adam.