As satisfied as I am to be a human being, as opposed to some other life form that can't appreciate things such as good Scotch or the films of Wes Anderson, there are a few things that still bother me about our bodies. These are the top three imperfections about people that I'm kind of disappointed we haven't evolved beyond yet.
Pooping
Pooping is so ridiculous. You have to completely stop whatever you're doing, go into a private room, and produce something messy and smelly that must be immediately washed away to an unknown land, and requires thorough cleaning up after. Are you kidding me? There's no better way our bodies could have developed to get rid of solid waste? I'd rather molt out of my skin once a day. And how come we're the only species that has to wipe? Dogs and cats just poop and they're done. With us, it's a whole production. I actually have a motorized toilet I bought online that washes and dries my ass for me, just so I can be a shred more comfortable with myself as I move throughout the world. Let's not even get into the psychological issues behind that.
Also, having to take a shit when there's no bathroom available is probably the most uncomfortable, anxiety-inducing situation I ever have to deal with. It's like 90% of the reason I avoid camping.
Feet
Feet are pretty weird. They're like hands, but without the dexterity or ability to do anything sophisticated. Feet are the hands' lunkhead brother; the Daniel Baldwin to the hands' Alec. Women's feet can be cute, even sexy, if properly maintained. If not, they have the potential to be downright nasty - for anyone who hasn't seen Eddie Murphy's early 90's movie BOOMERANG, there's a great scene that describes exactly what I'm talking about.
Men's feet are always horrendous. Unsightly. Having a man's foot anywhere near my face is akin to drinking a shot of someone's sweat. It's essentially vomit-inducing.
I don't really see the purpose for having individual toes. At this point, feet should just be all one solid mass, the way shoes are. Then, hopefully, those individually-toed shoes will go away as well.
Teeth
Is there any part of the body that's more of a pain in the ass than teeth? I have to clean these things twice a day for the rest of my life? Plus flossing, mouthwashing, etc? Give me a fucking break. Oh, and I love how sometimes when I floss, my gums bleed. So sorry for trying to clean you. I'm pretty sure if my chest started bleeding when I soaped up in the shower, I'd find a different product to use. But no, we just go on getting ready for the day, trying not to worry about the blood in our mouths.
Those trips to the dentist are a real treat, too. Guaranteed pain. Not to mention the four years I had to spend with metal glued to my teeth when I was a teenager, because they don't bother to come in straight. I heard once that there's a high suicide rate amongst dentists, because they can sense that everybody hates coming to see them. The whole thing is terrible. Once people lose their baby teeth and their adult teeth come in, dentists should just rip them all out and install artificial, self-cleaning teeth that we never have to worry about. Think about how much time and energy that would save you over the course of your life.
Side note: the whole losing your baby teeth thing is also very weird and creepy, but I can't get into that right now. I have to go floss something out of my stupid non-cleaning teeth.
Pooping
Pooping is so ridiculous. You have to completely stop whatever you're doing, go into a private room, and produce something messy and smelly that must be immediately washed away to an unknown land, and requires thorough cleaning up after. Are you kidding me? There's no better way our bodies could have developed to get rid of solid waste? I'd rather molt out of my skin once a day. And how come we're the only species that has to wipe? Dogs and cats just poop and they're done. With us, it's a whole production. I actually have a motorized toilet I bought online that washes and dries my ass for me, just so I can be a shred more comfortable with myself as I move throughout the world. Let's not even get into the psychological issues behind that.
Also, having to take a shit when there's no bathroom available is probably the most uncomfortable, anxiety-inducing situation I ever have to deal with. It's like 90% of the reason I avoid camping.
Feet
Feet are pretty weird. They're like hands, but without the dexterity or ability to do anything sophisticated. Feet are the hands' lunkhead brother; the Daniel Baldwin to the hands' Alec. Women's feet can be cute, even sexy, if properly maintained. If not, they have the potential to be downright nasty - for anyone who hasn't seen Eddie Murphy's early 90's movie BOOMERANG, there's a great scene that describes exactly what I'm talking about.
Men's feet are always horrendous. Unsightly. Having a man's foot anywhere near my face is akin to drinking a shot of someone's sweat. It's essentially vomit-inducing.
I don't really see the purpose for having individual toes. At this point, feet should just be all one solid mass, the way shoes are. Then, hopefully, those individually-toed shoes will go away as well.
Teeth
Is there any part of the body that's more of a pain in the ass than teeth? I have to clean these things twice a day for the rest of my life? Plus flossing, mouthwashing, etc? Give me a fucking break. Oh, and I love how sometimes when I floss, my gums bleed. So sorry for trying to clean you. I'm pretty sure if my chest started bleeding when I soaped up in the shower, I'd find a different product to use. But no, we just go on getting ready for the day, trying not to worry about the blood in our mouths.
Those trips to the dentist are a real treat, too. Guaranteed pain. Not to mention the four years I had to spend with metal glued to my teeth when I was a teenager, because they don't bother to come in straight. I heard once that there's a high suicide rate amongst dentists, because they can sense that everybody hates coming to see them. The whole thing is terrible. Once people lose their baby teeth and their adult teeth come in, dentists should just rip them all out and install artificial, self-cleaning teeth that we never have to worry about. Think about how much time and energy that would save you over the course of your life.
Side note: the whole losing your baby teeth thing is also very weird and creepy, but I can't get into that right now. I have to go floss something out of my stupid non-cleaning teeth.
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