Christmas Jeer

As much as I enjoy living here in New York City, the fact that it is the absolute uber-mega-epicenter of Christmas is really starting to fray my nerves. I mean, it is everywhere, all the time. Even now, sitting here in my living room, I have to stare at this goddamn triangle tree my gentile roommate insisted on defiling our apartment with. I can practically hear each individual pine needle in my sleep as they fall off and hit the floor.

I've always hated Christmas, as I have the misfortune of being a Jew born on December 25. I won the Powerball lottery of shitty birthdays. Imagine if, on your birthday as a child, every other little kid also got presents! Still feel special? Too bad, because also you can't have a birthday party because everyone has plans, and oh yeah, most establishments are closed, in case you wanted to have fun. Hope you like Chinese food and Narnia movies.

So yeah, I'm a Grinch. But back in LA, Christmas was easier to ignore. Here, it is an absolute nonstop fucking bombardment. Fifth Avenue is like a colorful, upscale war zone, culminating at Rockefeller Center, where millions of idiots from around the world push and shove each other to gaze up with wonder at a tree with lights on it. Every 20 seconds there's a Salvation Army guy shouting and ringing his little bell incessantly, sometimes while he dances. And the music...oh god...the music...

Christmas music is on my short list of most reviled things ever. I probably rank it in between genital warts and sit-ups. It's not that it's unapologetically cheerful, or corny, or just all-around bad for my ears. It's that, from Thanksgiving until Christmas, it is playing everywhere you go. There is simply no escaping it. It's even in the lobby of my building. And just because it's upbeat and gleeful doesn't mean that it isn't brainwashing us. The whole thing is an Orwellian nightmare. I fill with shame every time I find myself humming "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."

Eleven more days. Jesus Christ...why did you have to be so damn worshippable?