Et Tu, Niners?

The resolution of the NFL lockout has led to the most frenzied free agent signing period the league has ever seen. High profile star players are flying around to teams at a dizzying pace.

And yet, the San Francisco 49ers have done nothing.

The last time the Niners were in the playoffs was 2002. That's awhile ago, in NFL terms. Pretty much every team has been to the playoffs since then. Between the time I was born and the time I was a freshman in high school, the Niners won five Super Bowls. FIVE SUPER BOWLS. And now we can't win the worst division in football.

We've had the same shitty quarterback for the last six years. The one we took instead of Aaron Rodgers, who just won the Super Bowl with the Packers. The one we just signed to a new one year deal. I can't even bring myself to mention his name.

Donovan McNabb, Matt Hasselback, Kevin Kolb, Vince Young...all proven quarterbacks, snapped up by other teams. Young is now the backup in Philadelphia. While the Niners sit by and do nothing.

I don't have the ability to occupy the minds of the people running the San Francisco 49ers. But as a lifelong fan of the team, I would relish the opportunity to punch them all in their dicks and tell them they're ruining the next six months of my life.

I love the Niners. But we're going nowhere. There is simply no hope for this team.

Non-Kvetch

No kvetch today, just a shout-out to my roommate Rob, who made one of the most accurate calls, if not THE most accurate call, I've ever seen today.

This morning I was goofing around, and hiked my underwear up into a thong-like positioning, then put both arms up against the doorway of Rob's bathroom and wiggled around in a little jig while he was brushing his teeth.

"You look like a fat version of Sting in DUNE," he said. I told him I'd never seen DUNE, and within 20 seconds he had produced this picture on his BlackBerry:

It's not a stretch to say this is pretty much exactly what I looked like, except not as ripped. I was astounded at  the pinpoint precision of the comparison Rob made so immediately. Well done, sir.

I would have provided a picture of myself at that moment to prove the point, but I've probably said too much already.

Escalating Tensions

How long have escalators been around? Hang on, let me Google it...

Ah, 1897. Well over 100 years. You would think that would be enough time for people to learn the social etiquette that surrounds this helpful invention. If you want to stand, stay to the right. That way, the people who aren't too lazy to move their legs, or who aren't riveted by this poor man's roller coaster, are free to walk on the left.

Just how inconsiderate and unaware of your surroundings do you have to be to get on an escalator in a busy subway station on which dozens of people are clearly standing on the right hand side, and then just plant yourself there on the left, creating a blockage of humans behind you too timid to even say excuse me? And then when someone does say excuse me, in an only slightly but appropriately sarcastic manner, you act surprised that anyone else could possibly exist anywhere in the world, and would want you to move your fat ass twelve inches out of their way.

It's 100 degrees here, people. You could literally boil blood.

Semi-Racist Thoughts

1) Black people are at a terrible disadvantage when it comes to tattoos. I just saw a black guy with tattoos all up both arms, and I couldn't make out what a single one of them was. What's the point of getting a tattoo if people can't tell what it is? I guess I could have squinted, but I don't want a black guy catching me squinting at his arms.

2) Asian kids on the subway unsettle me.

3) Is it racist if I'm Jewish and I strongly dislike Hasidic Jews? I'm sorry, they're creepy. They walk around all solemn, never smiling or laughing, dressed like funeral directors in the middle of summer, with bizarre ringlets of hair hanging off the sides of their heads. I don't like religious extremists of any kind, but Hasids in particular freak me out.

That's all for now. Don't worry Argentinians, I'll get to you.

Time-Warner, I Miss You

Never, ever, ever would I have believed that I would yearn for the days of Time-Warner cable. But I have found a more frustrating cable company, and its name is RCN here in New York.

It began when the cable guy first came to install my cable. My roommate Rob had not yet moved in, and he was bringing his TV, but I wanted to have the cable hooked up and ready to go when he got here. The cable guy marches in, a stocky, goateed New Yorker, looks around and asks me in his thick NY accent, "Wheh's yeh TV, bro?"

"Oh, it's not here yet," I replied.

"Wheh is it?" he asked again, more pointed this time.

"Uh, it's actually in Virginia at the moment," I told him, not seeing why he needed to know this information.

He shook his head. "I ain't supposed to hook up the cable widdout a TV."

I shrugged my shoulders. "Well, I guess you'll just have to come back then." It was like he was trying to get me to admit I was hiding a TV, but I called his bluff. He backed down, peering around as if someone might be listening.

"All right. I'll hook up the cable. But I ain't s'posed to."

"Whatever you want to do, man."

So we got the cable, thanks to this gentleman's magnanimous nature. Then a couple weeks ago I got our first bill: $224.67. This includes $89.43 for our monthly rate, and $135.24 for our "Previous Balance." Being that it's our first bill, I'm not sure how we have a previous balance, so I did what anyone would do in this situation: ignored the bill and figured I'd deal with it later.

Well, I just got a message from RCN wanting to discuss my account, so I tried calling back. A recording told me the number I dialed was invalid. I checked it again. Dialed again. Invalid again.

I looked on the bill for the Billing Support number. Same number. For whatever reason, I dialed it again. Same result. I even dialed the Technical Support number. A different recording told me that number was also invalid. No further information was offered.

This is a new one for me. With Time-Warner, they keep you on hold for three days, but at least they acknowledge it's the right number. This bastard of a company just provides you with numbers that don't even go to anything. That's one way to cut down on your tech support payroll.

I guess I'll just keep putting this off until they call back. Although I'm a little worried: Curb Your Enthusiasm starts soon, and we don't have HBO.

This is What Happens When I Get a Middle Seat

I just took a flight on JetBlue. The flight attendant did her shpeal, saying "My name is Claire, and it's a pleasure to be serving you today, with my colleagues Jeff Blume and Robert Richardson. The co-pilot is Michael Anderson, and the pilot is Curtis McGee."

One question: Who gives a shit?

What is this, a Broadway play? Are you going to tell me who the stewardess's understudies are, too?

"Oh, Curtis McGee, he's the best. This is gonna be a great flight."

Just shut up and unfreeze my little tv so I can get on with watching fat babies on Maury Povich, using the headphones I had to purchase for two dollars. Why you can't just charge me an extra two dollars for my ticket and pass out "free" headphones is beyond me. But I imagine it must be just to make me feel even more like a chump than you already do.