Guest Kvetches!

What a banner day it is over here at KK headquarters. I actually got sent two guest kvetches! So without further ado, enjoy the literal stylings of Jonas Wadler, my Hollywood Regis neighbor/Wii Tennis protege; and my mother, lovingly known throughout the family as P-Furmz. (Just kidding. Nobody calls her that.)

JONAS'S KVETCH

Dear Members of the National Public School Auditorium Naming Center,

I'm a local, upstanding, tax-paying member of the greater Hollywood community. I'd like to address the naming board about the "Michael Jackson Auditorium" that has been christened at the local elementary school down the block from where I live.

It has come to my attention that the Jacksons attended this elementary school and you have decided to honor the fallen singer with an auditorium so that in death he can still touch the hearts of young children.

Now, litigiously, Michael Jackson was not convicted of his crimes against children, but nor was Orenthal James Simpson, yet I don't see any government offices naming their institutions 'The OJ Simpson Probation Center.' You know why? Because by naming an auditorium after a highly suspected pedophile, it is an easy way to outrage and concurrently drive away potential parents who would want their children attending this school. Now maybe you're saying, "Enough, let the guy live peacefully in death," to which I say, look at Macauley Culkin. That muthafucka hasn't done anything since Home Alone besides Party Monster which I put up there with my first album post-American Idol: hovering right above the trash bin, but not in it. Macauley even let Mila Kunis run away. That's how fucked in the head he is by Michael. Why? Because he's still got visions of Michael Jackson's hands cavorting around his private parts like it was his own, private Idaho.

Selfishly, I'm conflicted. While this can't help the re-assessed value of my apartment, maybe it can help lower my property taxes.

MA'S KVETCH

I went to Sam's Club this afternoon for a few necessities.  Among them, toilet paper.  After I got home I looked at the packaging. It says "Charmin -- Soft, Absorbent, Long Lasting."  Really?  Exactly how long do you want your toilet paper to last???