Shut Up, Tim McCarver!

As promised, I have to put aside my excitement about my Giants' astounding success so far this postseason to rant about how much I can't stand listening to the oratorical drivel of Fox baseball commentator Tim McCarver. After all, it's my God-given nature to find the blemishes in what are otherwise lifelong dreams coming true.

I find it difficult to put into words how excruciating it is to continuously listen to this man talk about baseball. He has an astounding knack for saying the most nonsensical things in such a condescending manner that suggests he thinks he is imparting some sort of great baseball wisdom to the masses. I have to believe that when George W. Bush threw out the first pitch last night, McCarver felt like he was watching his spiritual father.

You can hear the frustration in his vastly superior partner Joe Buck's voice, as well as see it on his face. Last night when Buck tried to set him up with a Halloween reference about how scary Giants pitcher Madison Bumgarner's pitching has been, McCarver's mental choo-choo train came up with this gem: "Well, he's been, uh, throwing up bad dreams all night."

What, Tim McCarver? He's been throwing up bad dreams all night? Did you just say that? What does that even mean? And Fox pays you to broadcast professional baseball games, let alone the most important ones?

When Buck was promoting a virtual reality game on Fox's website that lets you pit baseball players from any era against each other, he said something like "You can have a team with Babe Ruth, Willie Mays, and even Tim McCarver!" (who is a former catcher). "No," McCarver said with easily detectable false modesty, "that would never happen." "No?" Buck sighed with irritation at his idiot sidekick. "Well you can. That's the whole point."

Or how about two games ago, when McCarver spent ten minutes trying to explain that catchers often give their pitchers the wrong signs, to encourage them to shake them off, in order to make them think that they're confusing...someone...huh? What the fuck are you talking about? Shut up, Tim McCarver!!!

And we'll all remember the legendary final call of Game 2 of the 2010 World Series, referring to an important message Texas outfielder Jeff Francouer wanted McCarver to impart, as he flied out to end the game...

"His beard is real."

There is in fact an entire website dedicated to how bad a sportscaster Tim McCarver is. It's called www.shutuptimmccarver.com. There you can find many more hilarious ramblings of this peabrain. I even have a t-shirt I ordered from it. The people over at that site are doing God's work.