Exercise is a Big Ripoff

Man, I can't stand exercise. The whole thing is some sort of scam, a backroom deal reached between God and major gym chains. Let me get this straight: I work out diligently the whole year (well, somewhat diligently), doing things I hate - the elliptical, Perfect Pushups, crunches, etc. - purely so I can achieve a minimal level of physical fitness: lungs that don't collapse after jogging a mile, a body that isn't embarrassing to expose on a public beach...only to have everything completely erased when I take it easy for a week or two over the holidays?

In preparation to get back into the swing of things tomorrow, as the first post-hollidays week gets underway, I just looked in the mirror. I almost threw up. I went outside to throw the football around today to take a break from the games and get some blood pumping. I was winded in under ten minutes...and almost threw up. I'm pasty. I'm flabby. I'm tired and cranky. What complete bullshit that you can let yourself go so quickly, so easily, after doing so well to be good the whole rest of the year. There's no end to the misery of keeping in shape. You just have to do it all the time until you die, or else be branded an unhealthy, hideous freak.

Is it so much to ask that I can take a break from the painful monotony that is working out and stuff my fat face with fried cheese, chocolate pudding and unhealthy quantities of mead and grog for a couple weeks? Why doesn't my body come equipped with some sort of backup metabolic generator that can kick in and start burning extra calories for a little while, just till I get back on track? Why isn't there a pill I can purchase that staves off this rapid deterioration my physique is going through before my very eyes? Isn't this 2010 now? Isn't this the future? Isn't stuff like that supposed to exist by now? Why am I still having to drag myself to a gym and spend time and energy making myself healthier? And if I have to go, why can't I just be beamed there by now?

Again: Bullshit.