Constructive Criticism

This is an actual email I sent the author of a book on writing horror movies I recently bought.

From: Ethan Furman
Subject: Constructive Criticism
Date: January 9, 2010 1:09:01 PM PST
To: devin@moviepartners.com

Dear Mr. Watson,

After reading 95 pages of your book "Horror Screenwriting: the nature of fear," I have decided not to continue, because it is terrible. I hung with it for awhile there, but I can't struggle any further with this frustrating tripe. Your book claims to be specific to horror writing - that's why I bought it - yet you spend so much time regurgitating the painstaking basics that are covered in any of the other 7,000 books on basic screenwriting that exist. Oh, there's different types of screenwriting software I should use? You mean I shouldn't be using Microsoft Word at this point? Thanks for the tip. I should have characters with backstories and personal obstacles to overcome? That's genius. Ohhhhh, my dialogue should be concise and sound like how people talk, not rambling and without any contractions? Here I was, writing the whole thing in German.

The last chapter I read is titled "Writing Effective Screams." Now, that's something I would actually be interested in reading about that is specific to the horror movie genre. How do you write an effective scream? Do you write it as dialogue, or do you just describe it in the narrative? Gee, I wish I knew...but guess what isn't covered in this chapter? Yes, amazingly you go 20 pages without even touching on the subject of how to write screams in horror screenplays. Instead, you go on and on dissecting two drafts of a scene you wrote for your own low budget movie - your one credit, according to IMDB, which hasn't even been released yet. I like how you don't even alert the reader to the fact that it's from your own script, you just describe it as "a scene." And I thought M. Night Shyamalan was the master of cinematic masturbation. Jesus, the pages of my book are still sticky with your script-spooge.

And why are you providing scene examples from movies like "12 Monkeys"?! "12 Monkeys" is a great movie, but it's a futuristic psychological thriller. It's not a screwball comedy, it's not a historical war drama, and it's not a horror movie. Did you run out of horror films to reference? Have you ever seen any horror films? You should check them out, they have a whole section on Netflix. Next time you write a book, you should do a little research to provide examples that are relevant, instead of just writing down scenes from your favorite movies. What, no "Swingers" references? Vegas baby, Vegas!

As you can probably tell, I'm a little annoyed that I spent $25 on your flimsy excuse for a guidebook - almost double what actual books cost. I suppose it's partially my bad for being so trusting and not Googling you before I bought the book. I would appreciate it if you refunded at least half of my money...but I guess I'd be satisfied if you just told me the best way to write a scream. Then at least I wouldn't feel completely ripped off.

Best,

Ethan Furman