Worst Class

I flew first class last weekend, LA to NY. Never flown first class before. I was actually pretty excited, but it didn't take longer than five minutes into the flight for me to be brought back down to earth (not literally, of course, as I was in the sky).

Usually when I fly, I stop off at the gift shop to get a couple magazines. Not this time, I told myself. I was positive they would have ample reading material and in-flight entertainment up in first class. But alas, when I pushed the flight attendant button, a frumpy woman shuffled over and scowled at me, saying "What happened, did the button push itself?" Thrown off by the sarcasm indicating her resent at my asking her simply to do her job, I mumbled an apology, then asked if they had any newspapers. "No," she said flatly. "Really? Magazines, anything?" She told me no again, but then reassured me that "If I see any lying around, I'll grab it for you."

Awesome. First class amenities include the flight attendants performing the acts of a street urchin by scavenging other passengers' belongings. I couldn't wait to get my hands on whatever rumpled publication this woman could root around and dig up from coach (which never happened, by the way). I've been on much shittier airplanes in third world countries that give you free copies of the local paper. And I can't even get a goddamn LA Times in first class on American Airlines.

I started drinking mimosas, and looked through the in-flight magazine (my only reading option) at what the movie was they'd be showing. It was something I'd never heard of, called EASY VIRTUE. It was about an English guy who marries an American girl and then has to introduce her to his family (hilarity ensues, I'm guessing). I checked to see what the flight was going to be on the way back to LA. It was THE PROPOSAL, that romantic comedy about Sandra Bullock forcing Ryan Reynolds to marry him to get a green card or something, and him having to introduce her to his family. So what I had to look forward to here were two romcoms about couples getting married and meeting each other's families. Nice variety. I was overjoyed when the stewardess brought me my own personal movie player that had a wider selection of things to watch...you know, the kind of thing that JetBlue has built into their seats...in coach.

When I ordered my third mimosa, I was actually cut off. The stewardess told me to wait till after breakfast. I asked her if she was worried that I was going to get drunk. "Yes," she said. Then, trying to backtrack on offending me, she said "Not because of you...because of me." Righty-o. Whatever that means. Again, I was under the impression that in first class the customer should be totally catered to. That's why the tickets are like three times more expensive than coach. And here I was being told to slow down on my champagne and orange juice. It's not like I was doing Jaeger bombs, for Christ's sake. I told her not to worry about it, then ordered one from another flight attendant.

Other than that the flight was quite pleasant. I was just really hoping not to have stuff to kvetch about on a first class flight. Well done, AA.