The Club Scene

Went to a Hollywood club the other night. Was immediately reminded of why I don't go to Hollywood clubs.

I went out of pseudo-obligation: it was my girlfriend's friend's birthday party, and my girlfriend's other friend was promoting the club, and thus had her own table. This is the only reason I went; having your own table at a Hollywood club is key, because it allows you a place to sit and drink and not have to constantly get jostled around somewhere in between the bar and the dance floor amidst all the riff-raffians and douchebaggery.

I was there for all of a half hour before Club Promoter Friend announces that we all have to get up because she "sold the table." I don't even really comprehend what this means; all I know is that 45 seconds later I'm being hustled over to the purgatory I was previously guaranteed to be able to avoid, and some other people are settling in to relax where I had just been sitting.

This, to me, was really the height of uncoolness between friends. You invite people to a club you're promoting because you have a table, then "sell" the table and force your friends to stand around like common assholes? This would be like if I invited you to a baseball game, then scalped the tickets in the parking lot and told you to call a cab home. Some nerve.

So, let the jostling commence. As I was standing by the women's bathroom, waiting for my girlfriend and her friends and trying to pretend like I was having a good time (or at the very least like I'm not a weirdo who patrolls women's bathrooms), I noticed a fat girl who was freaking another girl in a wheelchair. This confused and depressed me. What was a girl in a wheelchair doing at a club? What is the point of that? If I lost the use of my legs, this would be the last place I would go. "Hey man, you coming out to the club tonight?" "Sorry bro, paralyzed from the waist down. Just gonna chill tonight and watch On Demand."

At the end of the night, I was just thankful not to be there single, because I would commit suicide trying to pick up girls in a place like that. It would be fine if everyone knew sign language and you didn't have to scream at people to be heard. Or if I was a good dancer and could just shimmy up to chicks. But as it is, these places are not for me.