Hell's Bells

Seeing as how I haven't had much to complain about lately, I was delighted when my friend Emily sent me this very special Guest Kvetch. Enjoy.

I am guessing that the last time you enjoyed a cold glass of milk with your Oreos or needed some milk to mix in with your Mac and Cheese mix, you did something along the lines of: opened your refrigerator, grabbed the plastic vessel in which your milk was purchased and poured out the required amount.  It probably took less than 20 seconds.  I am quite sure you did not strap on your boots, walk to the barn where Bessie, the family’s Heifer is kept, to squeeze the milk from her udders with your very hands into a silver pail, which you then carried back into your kitchen with a fireplace as a stove to pour a glass, or pewter mug, of milk.

 I use this as an example to show that as a result of many technological advances, we are no longer operating under the confines of life in Puritan Massachusetts in the 18^th century; we are living in urban New York City in the 21^st century…just in case you were unaware or are forgetful.  So why, pray tell, is it that every morning, weekday and weekends, I wake to the sound of church bells?

 I have a number of grievances related to this issue of church bell use in the 21^st century.   First, but by no means most importantly, every human I know, including a 4 year old, owns or has access to a cell phone at all times.  A feature on all cell phones is a clock.  It is nearly impossible to not have access to some mechanism that will tell you the time in a matter of a glance.  We are past the point where we need to wait for a bell to strike to remind us how much time is passing by. 

Second…even if it were helpful to have a non-secular reminder of another hour passing by, the church bell system is exceedingly inefficient in that you need to COUNT the number of times the bell rings in order to determine the time.  Come 12:00, it will take over 30 seconds just to determine the time by listening to the number of ding-dongs, and that is assuming you haven’t missed a dong or lost count because of a distracting fire truck passing by and you are busy looking at the firemen… Wait, was that 11 rings or 12?

Third, every night, excluding weekends, I set an alarm for the time that I need to wake up in the morning.  I do not ask my neighbor to set his alarm in order that I can wake up, nor do I make unnecessary noises in the morning so that others must wake up at the same time as I do.  This is common courtesy.  Sleep is valuable, and it is downright rude to infringe on someone’s hard earned sleep time.  The church outside my building has offensively assumed the right to wake everyone in the neighborhood by 8 AM every day, including Saturdays and Sundays.    

The bottom line is, some antiquated things are still lovely and relevant, such as using leeches to help blood flow during surgery or reading books as opposed to a Kindle.  The church bell no longer falls in the category of lovely and relevant.  This Sunday please join me at the offending church on 47^th street, we will walk in during their precious mass and loudly announce the time just to be sure that everyone knows exactly when it is 10:47, 10:48 and 10:49.