Hi, this is Hector. Leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
Hey Hector, this is Ethan again at the Hollywood Regis. We had scheduled an appointment for you to come to my place at 1PM today to do some electrical work. Specifically, I needed you to create an electrical outlet in the room where my toilet is, so that I can install my Swash Super Toilet, which washes and blow dries my ass.
Because you not only didn't show up, but also didn't return the message I left you around 1:30, I'm sure you'll understand my moving on and hiring someone else. But I just wanted to tell you how happy I am for you that things are going so well that you can afford to blow off your prospective customers so brazenly. Business must really be booming.
I'll now make the mature choice to refrain from making whatever latent racist remark that may or may not be forming in my mind about whatever I perceive your heritage to be. Good day, sir.
CLICK.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
An Open Letter to Begging Vagrants
Dear Begging Vagrants,
Let me just say, first of all, that it's fine for you to ask me if I have any spare change. Most of the time I don't, because I usually pay for things with credit and debit cards (an invention you obviously know nothing about). But if I do, I'm happy to toss it in your general direction.
What I do not appreciate, however, is your asking me if I have spare change twice within ten minutes, when I walk past you again in the other direction. Have a little awareness, you know what I mean? Don't treat me like a faceless benefactor. Make me believe that when you're asking me for my money, you're actually looking at me and seeing me and will remember me.
When you just monotonously request my spare coinage like a robot, you are devaluing my overall impression of all begging vagrants everywhere, and I will be less inclined to give my trinkets to any of you. You're ruining it for everyone.
Then again, maybe your lack of decorum is the reason you're asking normal people for money in the first place.
Best,
KK
Let me just say, first of all, that it's fine for you to ask me if I have any spare change. Most of the time I don't, because I usually pay for things with credit and debit cards (an invention you obviously know nothing about). But if I do, I'm happy to toss it in your general direction.
What I do not appreciate, however, is your asking me if I have spare change twice within ten minutes, when I walk past you again in the other direction. Have a little awareness, you know what I mean? Don't treat me like a faceless benefactor. Make me believe that when you're asking me for my money, you're actually looking at me and seeing me and will remember me.
When you just monotonously request my spare coinage like a robot, you are devaluing my overall impression of all begging vagrants everywhere, and I will be less inclined to give my trinkets to any of you. You're ruining it for everyone.
Then again, maybe your lack of decorum is the reason you're asking normal people for money in the first place.
Best,
KK
Friday, July 23, 2010
Retarded Song Lyrics
"I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen."
-"Billionaire," Travie McCoy
Why would the Queen be on the cover of Forbes magazine? Does she own or run a business? Is she a self-made media mogul, like Oprah? Has she ever even worked a day in her life?
Don't just stop on the first rhyme you come up with, Travie.
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen."
-"Billionaire," Travie McCoy
Why would the Queen be on the cover of Forbes magazine? Does she own or run a business? Is she a self-made media mogul, like Oprah? Has she ever even worked a day in her life?
Don't just stop on the first rhyme you come up with, Travie.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Literally
Last night I was driving home from the Dodgers game, listening to the post-game report on the radio. The host was talking about one of the Dodger pitchers who's been having a rough year, and said, "He's literally been fighting for his life out there."
This is such a huge pet peeve of mine. The comedian David Cross does a bit on this, so I don't want to rip him off too badly. But it just drives me nuts how people so often not only misuse the word "literally," but use it in the exact opposite way that it's intended to be used.
When something happens literally, that means what you are saying actually happens. Word for word. If what you are saying doesn't actually happen, and you're just saying that to exaggerate a point, then it happens figuratively. NOT LITERALLY. Saying that it "literally" happens does not stress your point any better. It just makes you sound like an idiot.
For example, if you say "That movie made me so confused, my head literally exploded," then your head had better actually blown the fuck up.
And if you're on the radio, getting paid to say things I listen to, then that pitcher had better be fending off rabid tigers out there on the mound. Otherwise, he is in fact not literally fighting for his life. He is figuratively fighting for his life, literally fighting for his job, and I am quite literally changing the station.
This is such a huge pet peeve of mine. The comedian David Cross does a bit on this, so I don't want to rip him off too badly. But it just drives me nuts how people so often not only misuse the word "literally," but use it in the exact opposite way that it's intended to be used.
When something happens literally, that means what you are saying actually happens. Word for word. If what you are saying doesn't actually happen, and you're just saying that to exaggerate a point, then it happens figuratively. NOT LITERALLY. Saying that it "literally" happens does not stress your point any better. It just makes you sound like an idiot.
For example, if you say "That movie made me so confused, my head literally exploded," then your head had better actually blown the fuck up.
And if you're on the radio, getting paid to say things I listen to, then that pitcher had better be fending off rabid tigers out there on the mound. Otherwise, he is in fact not literally fighting for his life. He is figuratively fighting for his life, literally fighting for his job, and I am quite literally changing the station.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Hats Off
I was just watching the ESPYs, which featured appearances by country music singers Clint Black and Kenny Chesney. Is it some sort of law within the music industry that every country music singer must wear a cowboy hat at all times? It occurred to me just now that I have never once seen a male country singer not donning one.
Johnny Cash doesn't count. I'm talking about the modern day, twangy-voiced country-western star. The Garth Brookses, the Alan Jacksons, the Toby Keiths. Everywhere they go, every concert, every awards show appearance, you can bet the farm on it - these guys will be wearing cowboy hats. Christ, even when Clint Black was on Celebrity Apprentice, he never took off that ten gallon.
It is the cliche of all cliches. Come on you huckleberries, one of you step up and be original. Try not wearing the cowboy hat, just one time, just to see how it feels. Not every rapper wears a sideways Raiders cap. Not every rock star rocks a Bret Michaels bandana. I'll bet Pavarotti takes off the tux before he pops into IHOP for some Sunday pancakes.
We get it. Y'all are cowboys. None of that will change. But hell, even John Wayne showed his locks off every once in awhile.
Johnny Cash doesn't count. I'm talking about the modern day, twangy-voiced country-western star. The Garth Brookses, the Alan Jacksons, the Toby Keiths. Everywhere they go, every concert, every awards show appearance, you can bet the farm on it - these guys will be wearing cowboy hats. Christ, even when Clint Black was on Celebrity Apprentice, he never took off that ten gallon.
It is the cliche of all cliches. Come on you huckleberries, one of you step up and be original. Try not wearing the cowboy hat, just one time, just to see how it feels. Not every rapper wears a sideways Raiders cap. Not every rock star rocks a Bret Michaels bandana. I'll bet Pavarotti takes off the tux before he pops into IHOP for some Sunday pancakes.
We get it. Y'all are cowboys. None of that will change. But hell, even John Wayne showed his locks off every once in awhile.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Parking Garage Etiquette
Some of you may have never parked in a parking garage before. Apparently I have a lot of Asian readers; maybe they don't have parking garages over there. I don't really know. Let me explain to you how it works.
In my car, I enter the parking garage. Almost immediately, I get stuck in a long line of other cars, which are all stopped, because the car at the front of the line is waiting for someone to exit their space, so that they can take it. The person in the car in said space, however, has decided, upon getting into their car, that now is the best time to do anything other than leave their space.
I don't exactly know what this person is doing while not pulling their car out. Maybe they're texting. Maybe they're masturbating. Maybe they're sitting and staring straight ahead, contemplating how meaningless their life is. It doesn't really matter, because whatever it is, this person is oblivious to the fact that there are ten people sitting and waiting and having their time wasted behind them, their collective patience rapidly running low.
At this point, it's only a matter of mere moments before I slam my forehead against my steering wheel, causing my horn to blare unendingly, until this time-burglar realizes they are nothing more than a nuisance to the human race, puts their car in reverse, backs out of the space, and exits the parking garage. Now, at long last, the car at the front of the line can replace them, the line can proceed, and the cycle repeats when the new space occupier returns to their car later.
You are now prepared to park in a parking garage.
In my car, I enter the parking garage. Almost immediately, I get stuck in a long line of other cars, which are all stopped, because the car at the front of the line is waiting for someone to exit their space, so that they can take it. The person in the car in said space, however, has decided, upon getting into their car, that now is the best time to do anything other than leave their space.
I don't exactly know what this person is doing while not pulling their car out. Maybe they're texting. Maybe they're masturbating. Maybe they're sitting and staring straight ahead, contemplating how meaningless their life is. It doesn't really matter, because whatever it is, this person is oblivious to the fact that there are ten people sitting and waiting and having their time wasted behind them, their collective patience rapidly running low.
At this point, it's only a matter of mere moments before I slam my forehead against my steering wheel, causing my horn to blare unendingly, until this time-burglar realizes they are nothing more than a nuisance to the human race, puts their car in reverse, backs out of the space, and exits the parking garage. Now, at long last, the car at the front of the line can replace them, the line can proceed, and the cycle repeats when the new space occupier returns to their car later.
You are now prepared to park in a parking garage.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I Probably Should Stay in Bed Today
I just woke up, went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and found a dead fly stuck to my face.
I'm not talking about a tiny, smushed little gnat you might swat against your skin in a humid climate. I'm talking about a full-on, wing-rubbing, shit-sucking FLY stuck to my FUCKING FACE.
It was right in the crook between the top of my nose and my right eye socket. Horrified, I leaned in closer to the mirror to make sure of what I was looking at. Then, with trembling hands, I peeled the insect off my face, dropped it into the sink, and rinsed it down the drain.
This really freaks me out. I feel like Naomi Watts in THE RING. It's like it's some sort of omen. I already worry about enough neurotic shit; I really don't need biblical plagues being assigned to me. Please, God - next time just put your message in my horoscope or something.
I'm not talking about a tiny, smushed little gnat you might swat against your skin in a humid climate. I'm talking about a full-on, wing-rubbing, shit-sucking FLY stuck to my FUCKING FACE.
It was right in the crook between the top of my nose and my right eye socket. Horrified, I leaned in closer to the mirror to make sure of what I was looking at. Then, with trembling hands, I peeled the insect off my face, dropped it into the sink, and rinsed it down the drain.
This really freaks me out. I feel like Naomi Watts in THE RING. It's like it's some sort of omen. I already worry about enough neurotic shit; I really don't need biblical plagues being assigned to me. Please, God - next time just put your message in my horoscope or something.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Dear Time-Warner: Part 2
Dear Time-Warner,
Please, please, please figure out a way for me to pause a live sporting event, go to the bathroom, come back, and be able fast forward to the point in time I want to get to.
This means DO NOT ignore me when I press the play button, instead continuing to fast-forward to the stuff I don't want to watch yet.
This means DO NOT make an inexplicable jump to the end of the game, and thus ruining the entire experience of watching said sporting event in the first place.
DVR/TiVo has been around for several years now. If you could possibly be bothered to come up with a way to make it work for the very reason it exists, I would greatly appreciate it.
KK
Please, please, please figure out a way for me to pause a live sporting event, go to the bathroom, come back, and be able fast forward to the point in time I want to get to.
This means DO NOT ignore me when I press the play button, instead continuing to fast-forward to the stuff I don't want to watch yet.
This means DO NOT make an inexplicable jump to the end of the game, and thus ruining the entire experience of watching said sporting event in the first place.
DVR/TiVo has been around for several years now. If you could possibly be bothered to come up with a way to make it work for the very reason it exists, I would greatly appreciate it.
KK
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Attention New Parents
Please figure out a way to shut your baby the fuck up. Just because you made the poor decision to procreate doesn't mean I should have to suffer through your child screaming its stupid head off throughout my plane flight.
On a related note, I don't need to see multiple pictures of your baby on Facebook, your phone, or via email. I'm sure you're very proud, but honestly, it just looks like a fucking baby.
On a related note, I don't need to see multiple pictures of your baby on Facebook, your phone, or via email. I'm sure you're very proud, but honestly, it just looks like a fucking baby.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
