I went to a concert last night. It must be a law of the universe that at every concert, there is one douchebag who absolutely must dance and scream ten times more demonstratively than anyone else there, just to make sure everyone knows how passionate they are about the music. How it just gets inside them and fills them up with an exuberance no one else could possibly understand. Another law of the universe is that these people must always be standing right next to me.
It's not like I was at a U2 show, or some artist that this guy was a lifelong fan of or anything. It was just a three person band at a bar featuring an electric guitar virtuoso named Tim Reynolds. But this guy was behaving like he was in Jesus Christ's audience. Jumping up and down, waving his arms around in hippie formations, screaming lame-isms at the top of his lungs like "IT IS ON! IT IS ON!!!" or "GOOD TO SEE YOU SIR! GOOD TO SEE YOU!!!" when the performer predictably said "Good to see you all tonight."
He made it borderline impossible for me to focus on watching the show. At one point, he waved his arms around directly in my face. "Bro," I said to him, "Try and keep it contained a little bit." When that song ended, he apologized to me. "I don't mean to be bumping into you, man. I'm just kind of a spaz, and I enjoy me the shit outta some shredding guitar!"
"Yeah," I said. "The thing is, you kind of are bumping into me a lot."
"Well, it's a concert. There's plenty of room, I'm just having a good time."
"There's not plenty of room. It's pretty crowded. I'm just saying, take it down a notch," I requested.
"Just calm down," a girl nearby chimed in, piggybacking on my complaint. My confidence grew that I had the crowd on my side. But then he got a little indignant. "It's a concert, man," he argued.
"I know it's a concert," I replied. "But you're the only one here who's jumping around and bumping into me."
"I don't care if I'm the only one. Just enjoy the show, man. Just enjoy the show," he suggested to me.
"I'm trying to enjoy the show. Believe me, I'm trying," I said.
"Okay. I don't mean to intrude on you having a good time," he said with more than a hint of sarcasm.
"I appreciate it." That was pretty much the end of that. After this conversation, he toned down his dancing idiocy about 25%, which was enough for me to ignore him, for the most part. Which leads me to the important conclusion that, more often than not, you should confront douchebags when their douchiness is spoiling your fun. Otherwise you'll just stew in your anger, and their unacceptable behavior will continue to go unchecked.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Seriously, I'm Still Getting a Phone Book?
I just came home to find the new phone book sitting not only outside my door, but the doors of everyone else on my floor of my building. I took it inside and immediately threw it in the recycling bin. I mean, honestly, who uses a phone book anymore? If you open up a dictionary and look up the word "antiquated," you will see a picture of a phone book. (In fact, you might also see a picture of a dictionary, but the phone book is probably slightly more obsolete.) They don't even show people using phone books in movies anymore; you see people on pay phones more often.
I have no idea how the phone book company stays in business. Who is still advertising in them? I wouldn't know, because I haven't opened one in literally over five years. The phone book's primary users must be strictly old people, i.e., those who are frightened of the internet, and change in general. If they could only get over their phobia of technology, they would realize that every number in that cumbersome, inky book is just a click away. They wouldn't have to put any additional undue stress on their lower backs picking up that heavy directory - not to mention the strain on their eyeballs searching for those tiny listings. You have so little time left, old people - don't hasten your demise!
All I hear all day long is how we as a society should be more environmentally conscious. Go green and such. Hell, Obama's State of the Union address last night designated a big chunk towards the importance of clean energy, and the United States leading the world in climate change, blah blah blah. How about this for an idea: STOP LEAVING 2,000 PAGE BOOKS OF WORTHLESS PAPER OUTSIDE EVERY SINGLE CITIZEN'S DOOR EVERY YEAR!!!
And if geriatrics absolutely must have their phone books, then how about if the phone company asks people if they want one? That way, they don't have to go to the trouble of distributing the Most Useless Object I Can Imagine to 300 million people. Don't just assume that I don't have an online connection, or am a 6-year old who needs assistance reaching the cookie jar. Both of those are long shots.
I have no idea how the phone book company stays in business. Who is still advertising in them? I wouldn't know, because I haven't opened one in literally over five years. The phone book's primary users must be strictly old people, i.e., those who are frightened of the internet, and change in general. If they could only get over their phobia of technology, they would realize that every number in that cumbersome, inky book is just a click away. They wouldn't have to put any additional undue stress on their lower backs picking up that heavy directory - not to mention the strain on their eyeballs searching for those tiny listings. You have so little time left, old people - don't hasten your demise!
All I hear all day long is how we as a society should be more environmentally conscious. Go green and such. Hell, Obama's State of the Union address last night designated a big chunk towards the importance of clean energy, and the United States leading the world in climate change, blah blah blah. How about this for an idea: STOP LEAVING 2,000 PAGE BOOKS OF WORTHLESS PAPER OUTSIDE EVERY SINGLE CITIZEN'S DOOR EVERY YEAR!!!
And if geriatrics absolutely must have their phone books, then how about if the phone company asks people if they want one? That way, they don't have to go to the trouble of distributing the Most Useless Object I Can Imagine to 300 million people. Don't just assume that I don't have an online connection, or am a 6-year old who needs assistance reaching the cookie jar. Both of those are long shots.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Constructive Criticism
This is an actual email I sent the author of a book on writing horror movies I recently bought.
From: Ethan Furman
Subject: Constructive Criticism
Date: January 9, 2010 1:09:01 PM PST
To: devin@moviepartners.com
Dear Mr. Watson,
After reading 95 pages of your book "Horror Screenwriting: the nature of fear," I have decided not to continue, because it is terrible. I hung with it for awhile there, but I can't struggle any further with this frustrating tripe. Your book claims to be specific to horror writing - that's why I bought it - yet you spend so much time regurgitating the painstaking basics that are covered in any of the other 7,000 books on basic screenwriting that exist. Oh, there's different types of screenwriting software I should use? You mean I shouldn't be using Microsoft Word at this point? Thanks for the tip. I should have characters with backstories and personal obstacles to overcome? That's genius. Ohhhhh, my dialogue should be concise and sound like how people talk, not rambling and without any contractions? Here I was, writing the whole thing in German.
The last chapter I read is titled "Writing Effective Screams." Now, that's something I would actually be interested in reading about that is specific to the horror movie genre. How do you write an effective scream? Do you write it as dialogue, or do you just describe it in the narrative? Gee, I wish I knew...but guess what isn't covered in this chapter? Yes, amazingly you go 20 pages without even touching on the subject of how to write screams in horror screenplays. Instead, you go on and on dissecting two drafts of a scene you wrote for your own low budget movie - your one credit, according to IMDB, which hasn't even been released yet. I like how you don't even alert the reader to the fact that it's from your own script, you just describe it as "a scene." And I thought M. Night Shyamalan was the master of cinematic masturbation. Jesus, the pages of my book are still sticky with your script-spooge.
And why are you providing scene examples from movies like "12 Monkeys"?! "12 Monkeys" is a great movie, but it's a futuristic psychological thriller. It's not a screwball comedy, it's not a historical war drama, and it's not a horror movie. Did you run out of horror films to reference? Have you ever seen any horror films? You should check them out, they have a whole section on Netflix. Next time you write a book, you should do a little research to provide examples that are relevant, instead of just writing down scenes from your favorite movies. What, no "Swingers" references? Vegas baby, Vegas!
As you can probably tell, I'm a little annoyed that I spent $25 on your flimsy excuse for a guidebook - almost double what actual books cost. I suppose it's partially my bad for being so trusting and not Googling you before I bought the book. I would appreciate it if you refunded at least half of my money...but I guess I'd be satisfied if you just told me the best way to write a scream. Then at least I wouldn't feel completely ripped off.
Best,
Ethan Furman
From: Ethan Furman
Subject: Constructive Criticism
Date: January 9, 2010 1:09:01 PM PST
To: devin@moviepartners.com
Dear Mr. Watson,
After reading 95 pages of your book "Horror Screenwriting: the nature of fear," I have decided not to continue, because it is terrible. I hung with it for awhile there, but I can't struggle any further with this frustrating tripe. Your book claims to be specific to horror writing - that's why I bought it - yet you spend so much time regurgitating the painstaking basics that are covered in any of the other 7,000 books on basic screenwriting that exist. Oh, there's different types of screenwriting software I should use? You mean I shouldn't be using Microsoft Word at this point? Thanks for the tip. I should have characters with backstories and personal obstacles to overcome? That's genius. Ohhhhh, my dialogue should be concise and sound like how people talk, not rambling and without any contractions? Here I was, writing the whole thing in German.
The last chapter I read is titled "Writing Effective Screams." Now, that's something I would actually be interested in reading about that is specific to the horror movie genre. How do you write an effective scream? Do you write it as dialogue, or do you just describe it in the narrative? Gee, I wish I knew...but guess what isn't covered in this chapter? Yes, amazingly you go 20 pages without even touching on the subject of how to write screams in horror screenplays. Instead, you go on and on dissecting two drafts of a scene you wrote for your own low budget movie - your one credit, according to IMDB, which hasn't even been released yet. I like how you don't even alert the reader to the fact that it's from your own script, you just describe it as "a scene." And I thought M. Night Shyamalan was the master of cinematic masturbation. Jesus, the pages of my book are still sticky with your script-spooge.
And why are you providing scene examples from movies like "12 Monkeys"?! "12 Monkeys" is a great movie, but it's a futuristic psychological thriller. It's not a screwball comedy, it's not a historical war drama, and it's not a horror movie. Did you run out of horror films to reference? Have you ever seen any horror films? You should check them out, they have a whole section on Netflix. Next time you write a book, you should do a little research to provide examples that are relevant, instead of just writing down scenes from your favorite movies. What, no "Swingers" references? Vegas baby, Vegas!
As you can probably tell, I'm a little annoyed that I spent $25 on your flimsy excuse for a guidebook - almost double what actual books cost. I suppose it's partially my bad for being so trusting and not Googling you before I bought the book. I would appreciate it if you refunded at least half of my money...but I guess I'd be satisfied if you just told me the best way to write a scream. Then at least I wouldn't feel completely ripped off.
Best,
Ethan Furman
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Exercise is a Big Ripoff
Man, I can't stand exercise. The whole thing is some sort of scam, a backroom deal reached between God and major gym chains. Let me get this straight: I work out diligently the whole year (well, somewhat diligently), doing things I hate - the elliptical, Perfect Pushups, crunches, etc. - purely so I can achieve a minimal level of physical fitness: lungs that don't collapse after jogging a mile, a body that isn't embarrassing to expose on a public beach...only to have everything completely erased when I take it easy for a week or two over the holidays?
In preparation to get back into the swing of things tomorrow, as the first post-hollidays week gets underway, I just looked in the mirror. I almost threw up. I went outside to throw the football around today to take a break from the games and get some blood pumping. I was winded in under ten minutes...and almost threw up. I'm pasty. I'm flabby. I'm tired and cranky. What complete bullshit that you can let yourself go so quickly, so easily, after doing so well to be good the whole rest of the year. There's no end to the misery of keeping in shape. You just have to do it all the time until you die, or else be branded an unhealthy, hideous freak.
Is it so much to ask that I can take a break from the painful monotony that is working out and stuff my fat face with fried cheese, chocolate pudding and unhealthy quantities of mead and grog for a couple weeks? Why doesn't my body come equipped with some sort of backup metabolic generator that can kick in and start burning extra calories for a little while, just till I get back on track? Why isn't there a pill I can purchase that staves off this rapid deterioration my physique is going through before my very eyes? Isn't this 2010 now? Isn't this the future? Isn't stuff like that supposed to exist by now? Why am I still having to drag myself to a gym and spend time and energy making myself healthier? And if I have to go, why can't I just be beamed there by now?
Again: Bullshit.
In preparation to get back into the swing of things tomorrow, as the first post-hollidays week gets underway, I just looked in the mirror. I almost threw up. I went outside to throw the football around today to take a break from the games and get some blood pumping. I was winded in under ten minutes...and almost threw up. I'm pasty. I'm flabby. I'm tired and cranky. What complete bullshit that you can let yourself go so quickly, so easily, after doing so well to be good the whole rest of the year. There's no end to the misery of keeping in shape. You just have to do it all the time until you die, or else be branded an unhealthy, hideous freak.
Is it so much to ask that I can take a break from the painful monotony that is working out and stuff my fat face with fried cheese, chocolate pudding and unhealthy quantities of mead and grog for a couple weeks? Why doesn't my body come equipped with some sort of backup metabolic generator that can kick in and start burning extra calories for a little while, just till I get back on track? Why isn't there a pill I can purchase that staves off this rapid deterioration my physique is going through before my very eyes? Isn't this 2010 now? Isn't this the future? Isn't stuff like that supposed to exist by now? Why am I still having to drag myself to a gym and spend time and energy making myself healthier? And if I have to go, why can't I just be beamed there by now?
Again: Bullshit.
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