The Man in the Mirror

It's come to my attention over the years that I have a personal problem, one that has become too large to continue to ignore. I can no longer pretend it doesn't exist. I realize now that I probably will need some help in order to correct this issue. So I am reaching out to you, the Kvetch Kommunity, for any suggestions you may have.

My problem is this: I have a substantially exaggerated "mirror face." You probably know what a mirror face is. Almost everyone has some version of one: it's the face you make when you check yourself out in a mirror. I suppose it's the face that you think makes you look your best, when in actuality it most likely makes you look kind of absurd.

Recently I was at a friend's house, and she caught me looking in her mirror. After laughing at me, she told me it was the worst mirror face she had ever seen. Alas, this is not news to me. Anyone who has spent any considerable time with me has noticed this face I make - pursed lips, arched eyebrows, squinty eyes - and teased me mercilessly for it.

The problem is, I literally cannot stop myself. I don't even think about doing it; my face just contorts into this Blue Steel expression involuntarily any time I catch a glimpse of my reflection. I've tried to test myself, to make myself stare at my own face in a mirror normally, but I simply can't stop these sick instincts. It's gotten so bad that I have to turn away from mirrors like a vampire when I'm in the company of others.

This can't be normal. I need some sort of electroshock therapy, like the chips that dogs have in their collars that zap them when they bark, only this one will zap me when I make my mirror face. Any suggestions to help me overcome this handicap are welcomed.

Dear Time-Warner: Part 1

*Note: This is the first in what is sure to be a series of kvetches aimed at my cable provider, Time-Warner. I have chosen not to address all my complaints with this company at once, as it would be unreadably lengthy, and the sheer frustration of such a massive rant could conceivably cause one of my more important organs to burst through my flesh.

Dear Time-Warner,

Why, when I program you to record a show, do you automatically choose to record the non-high definition version of the broadcast? Why do you not even offer me a choice between the hi-def and the non-hi-def versions? Why are your non-hi-def channels even available to me for viewing/recording purposes? What viewer, given the option of watching hi-def channels, would ever, ever watch the same channel in non-hi-def? Why, in this day and age, do I have to teeth-grittingly sit through the dozen network shows I've programmed you to record a season pass of, knowing that there is a crisper, more watchable version of them available that I'm not seeing? Why do you do this to your loyal subscribers?

That's all for now,

KK

Another Celebrity Look-alike

Doesn't the guy from BIG BANG THEORY look kinda like Dave Matthews?

The Day the Music Died

Well, it finally happened. I have reached a critical milestone in life, a turning point that marks my transition from a young person to an old person.

I was mildly shocked and off put by the lyrics of a pop song I heard on the radio.

The song was "Rude Boy" by Rihanna. The lyrics are as follows:

"Come on rude boy, boy, can you get it up?
Come here rude boy, boy, is you big enough?"

I know, I know - grammatical shortcomings aside, it's not that horrible. It's just a 22 year-old diva attempting to be provocative by inquiring as to if her freakmate's penis is large and virile enough for her to have a proper time with. Clearly there have been worse things sung about and broadcast on the airwaves.

My kvetch has more to do with my reaction to it. I started thinking about the adolescent girls who must love this song and dance inappropriately to it at high school dances, forming all sorts of inaccurate opinions about what's important to look for in a guy. I found myself chiding Rihanna for being unladylike. Were these the types of questions she was asking Chris Brown before he snapped? Not to excuse his behavior, but certain levels of lippiness can make insecure men do regrettable things.

Then I heard this little gem by Ke$ha in her single "Blah Blah Blah":

"Don't be a little bitch with your chit chat
Just show me where your dick's at."

That's when I realized that pop music may in fact be passing me by. At 31, I will now officially start longing for the wholesome tunes of yesteryear...like Nirvana's "Rape Me" and Snoop's "Ain't No Fun."

;

If anyone knows who is in charge of naming punctuation marks, please put me in touch with him. I have a suggestion to make. I would like to change the name of the semicolon to the "supercomma."

I use semicolons all the time; they're a very cool, but shamelessly underutilized, punctuation mark. They let you take two related sentences and turn them into one double sentence. Throw a semicolon in there, and bang! No need for a period. No need to capitalize that next word. You've just mashed those two sentences together like a girl-on-girl fantasy...and it's all 100% grammatically correct.

And yet I feel like I only see semicolons in novels or legal documents. No one uses them in casual correspondence, like emails. Forget about song lyrics. And to this day, no one has ever used a semicolon in a text message.

I think the problem is the crappy name. Semicolons have terrible PR. "Semicolon"? Half of a colon? Who wants half a colon? It's not even fair, if you think about it: a semicolon, with that comma at the bottom of it, probably takes up more space than a regular colon, with the second dot. It's a bad rap.

"Supercomma" makes much more sense. It's a comma with a reverse exclamation point. How awesome is that? Who wouldn't want to use a supercomma every chance they got? You'd be seeing triple and quadruple and sextuple sentence combinations, riddled with supercommas!

Also, I think the "?!" question mark-exclamation point combo that has come into vogue to express shock and confusion should be named an "exclametion mark."

I'm going to go try and find a girl now.

Let's Hear it for New York

Just got back from a little weekend jaunt in New York City. I love going to New York. Unbelievable city. No place else like it. Always have an amazing time there.

That being said, there is no other city on this planet that sucks its own dick quite as much as New York. It is impossible to have a conversation with a New Yorker any longer than four minutes without them telling you how much they love New York. I lost count of how many people tried to convince me to move to New York over the last few days.

Oh, and it's always accompanied by telling me how terrible Los Angeles is. Can't get enough of that. If New Yorkers were writing the history books (or geography books, or whatever), LA would be the toxic post-apocalyptic wasteland we're all familiar with from the fine film Demolition Man.

Hey, I get it. New York is great. Everyone is so cultured and modest. Occasionally you have nice weather and subsequently freak out with a spree of self-congratulation on what a fantastic city you've all chosen to live in. Pity the poor billions and billions of humans who live anywhere else, especially us vapid Angelenos. Carrie Bradshaw and Donald Trump and Derek Jeter and 9/11 and pizza and yay yay yay for us!!!

Also, you really don't have to play that Jay-Z/Alicia Keyes New York song EVERY FUCKING PLACE I GO. I mean really, what other city has its own theme song?! Point made, New York City. You're the best. I'm gonna go lay on the beach now and try to withstand another horrible Los Angeles 75 degree day.

B-ball Licks B-balls

I just finished watching the Lakers playoff game, and it reminded me why I like basketball the least of all the major sports. Something happened in the 4th quarter that just amazed and disgusted me as a sports fan. Kobe Bryant hit a three-point shot. Several minutes later, there was a pause in the game, and they went to commercial with the Lakers up by a point. When they came back, the game was tied; apparently the officials had reviewed Kobe's shot and determined his foot was inside the line, so it was only worth two.

Are you kidding me? I just watched several minutes of basketball, and the score was wrong? How long would this have gone on barring a break in the game? It's not like they stopped the game specifically to review the call - like they do in, say, football, or hockey, or even baseball now on controversial home runs. If this had been near the end of the game, and it ended with the Lakers thinking they had won by a point, would they then have gone off to commercial, come back, changed it to a tie and initiated overtime, when half the fans in attendance were already out in the parking lot? How can players play the game believing the score on the scoreboard is correct when it isn't?! Mind-boggling.

And while we're at it, basketball is weak for some other reasons, too. There are so many goddamn points scored, by nature it's simply less exciting when anyone scores. That's why nobody seemed to care when they took that Laker point away. They probably didn't even notice. And the last few minutes of a basketball game can be excruciatingly boring. Intentional fouls, endless free throws...what other sport encourages players to break the rules of the game as a strategy? And why, when someone commits a foul, does everyone have to stand around and watch one guy shoot uncontested shots? That's the most exciting thing you could come up with? Non-competition? In hockey, someone breaks a rule, he goes and sits in a box. His team is shorthanded. It creates a huge scoring advantage for the other team. It even has a cool name: power play. Free throw? Boring. Power play? Exciting.

And one more thing: why does a basketball game only last 48 minutes? Hockey, football - they're playing a full hour, and those sports are infinitely more physical than basketball. What, these guys can only play twelve minutes a quarter instead of fifteen? Their fans don't want to see as much basketball as hockey and football fans do of their sports?

In closing, let me just ask you this: which is the lamest name of a championship/series?

1) The World Series
2) The Super Bowl
3) The Stanley Cup
4) The NBA Finals

Way to spend five seconds coming up with a catchy moniker, fellas.