The Man in the Mirror

It's come to my attention over the years that I have a personal problem, one that has become too large to continue to ignore. I can no longer pretend it doesn't exist. I realize now that I probably will need some help in order to correct this issue. So I am reaching out to you, the Kvetch Kommunity, for any suggestions you may have.

My problem is this: I have a substantially exaggerated "mirror face." You probably know what a mirror face is. Almost everyone has some version of one: it's the face you make when you check yourself out in a mirror. I suppose it's the face that you think makes you look your best, when in actuality it most likely makes you look kind of absurd.

Recently I was at a friend's house, and she caught me looking in her mirror. After laughing at me, she told me it was the worst mirror face she had ever seen. Alas, this is not news to me. Anyone who has spent any considerable time with me has noticed this face I make - pursed lips, arched eyebrows, squinty eyes - and teased me mercilessly for it.

The problem is, I literally cannot stop myself. I don't even think about doing it; my face just contorts into this Blue Steel expression involuntarily any time I catch a glimpse of my reflection. I've tried to test myself, to make myself stare at my own face in a mirror normally, but I simply can't stop these sick instincts. It's gotten so bad that I have to turn away from mirrors like a vampire when I'm in the company of others.

This can't be normal. I need some sort of electroshock therapy, like the chips that dogs have in their collars that zap them when they bark, only this one will zap me when I make my mirror face. Any suggestions to help me overcome this handicap are welcomed.