Happy Thanksgiving, Mom

Ma,

For future reference, understand that Thanksgiving is about three things, in order of importance:

1. Delicious food
2. Exciting football
3. Family

I would expect you would know me well enough by now to realize that I will not take well to you badgering me to get up and change clothes during the final two minutes of a thrilling three point Cowboys-Saints game. I wouldn't assume that you would understand the fantasy football implications I had at stake as well; but just stick to the basic rule of leaving me alone during these precious valuable Thanksgiving moments I choose to spend alone with the television.

I know our family friends told us to be at their house at 5 o'clock, but obviously it's implied that there is a buffer zone. If we're there at 5:10 or even, god forbid, 5:15 or 5:20...no one will care. This point was proven when we in fact did arrive at 5:20, and our hostess was still in the bathroom getting ready.

I'm a little disappointed the Cowboys missed that final field goal and the game didn't go into overtime, because then we would have had a real showdown on our hands. And I assure you, I was not about to get up from that chair, not for you or your goddamn delicious mashed potatoes, before that game was decided.

So we've got exactly one year to get on the same page here, because next Thanksgiving could get real ugly, real fast.

Your beloved son,

KK

Obamanation

I can't understand how Fred Armisen is still impersonating President Obama on Saturday Night Live. It could be the worst impression of anyone I've ever seen anyone do. If he was a friend of mine doing that impression at a party, I would take him aside and advise him to stop doing it if he had any designs on getting laid that night.

Here are the main problems with Armisen's impression, as I see it, in order of importance:

1. He sounds nothing like Obama
2. His mannerisms and facial expressions are nothing like Obama's
3. He's white

What I really don't get is that SNL brought in a new black guy this season, Jay Pharoah, who does absolutely spot on impressions. His Denzel Washington is perfect, and he does a pretty good Chris Rock, Will Smith and Kanye West, too. What, is Obama the only famous black guy this guy can't do? He was seemingly hired purely for his impersonation skills. Why Lorne Michaels doesn't make the switch and end my suffering is beyond me.

What, No Kumquats?

I was in a bar in Seattle the other night. I went to use the restroom, and this is the urinal that greeted me:

I found this to be somewhat disturbing. I mean, I've pissed on ice in urinals before, which I've never really understood the point of. But fruit?

This is the exact reason other countries take issue with America. The contents of this urinal would be salivated over by an entire third world village, and here we are, pissing all over it for no other reason than novelty. I have no doubt that there are starving people in the world who would wait in line to eat this fruit even after it's been urinated on by an entire night's worth of beer-swilling Seattlites.

This sort of decadence disgusts me.

Shut Up, Tim McCarver!

As promised, I have to put aside my excitement about my Giants' astounding success so far this postseason to rant about how much I can't stand listening to the oratorical drivel of Fox baseball commentator Tim McCarver. After all, it's my God-given nature to find the blemishes in what are otherwise lifelong dreams coming true.

I find it difficult to put into words how excruciating it is to continuously listen to this man talk about baseball. He has an astounding knack for saying the most nonsensical things in such a condescending manner that suggests he thinks he is imparting some sort of great baseball wisdom to the masses. I have to believe that when George W. Bush threw out the first pitch last night, McCarver felt like he was watching his spiritual father.

You can hear the frustration in his vastly superior partner Joe Buck's voice, as well as see it on his face. Last night when Buck tried to set him up with a Halloween reference about how scary Giants pitcher Madison Bumgarner's pitching has been, McCarver's mental choo-choo train came up with this gem: "Well, he's been, uh, throwing up bad dreams all night."

What, Tim McCarver? He's been throwing up bad dreams all night? Did you just say that? What does that even mean? And Fox pays you to broadcast professional baseball games, let alone the most important ones?

When Buck was promoting a virtual reality game on Fox's website that lets you pit baseball players from any era against each other, he said something like "You can have a team with Babe Ruth, Willie Mays, and even Tim McCarver!" (who is a former catcher). "No," McCarver said with easily detectable false modesty, "that would never happen." "No?" Buck sighed with irritation at his idiot sidekick. "Well you can. That's the whole point."

Or how about two games ago, when McCarver spent ten minutes trying to explain that catchers often give their pitchers the wrong signs, to encourage them to shake them off, in order to make them think that they're confusing...someone...huh? What the fuck are you talking about? Shut up, Tim McCarver!!!

And we'll all remember the legendary final call of Game 2 of the 2010 World Series, referring to an important message Texas outfielder Jeff Francouer wanted McCarver to impart, as he flied out to end the game...

"His beard is real."

There is in fact an entire website dedicated to how bad a sportscaster Tim McCarver is. It's called www.shutuptimmccarver.com. There you can find many more hilarious ramblings of this peabrain. I even have a t-shirt I ordered from it. The people over at that site are doing God's work.