Just got back from a little weekend jaunt in New York City. I love going to New York. Unbelievable city. No place else like it. Always have an amazing time there.
That being said, there is no other city on this planet that sucks its own dick quite as much as New York. It is impossible to have a conversation with a New Yorker any longer than four minutes without them telling you how much they love New York. I lost count of how many people tried to convince me to move to New York over the last few days.
Oh, and it's always accompanied by telling me how terrible Los Angeles is. Can't get enough of that. If New Yorkers were writing the history books (or geography books, or whatever), LA would be the toxic post-apocalyptic wasteland we're all familiar with from the fine film Demolition Man.
Hey, I get it. New York is great. Everyone is so cultured and modest. Occasionally you have nice weather and subsequently freak out with a spree of self-congratulation on what a fantastic city you've all chosen to live in. Pity the poor billions and billions of humans who live anywhere else, especially us vapid Angelenos. Carrie Bradshaw and Donald Trump and Derek Jeter and 9/11 and pizza and yay yay yay for us!!!
Also, you really don't have to play that Jay-Z/Alicia Keyes New York song EVERY FUCKING PLACE I GO. I mean really, what other city has its own theme song?! Point made, New York City. You're the best. I'm gonna go lay on the beach now and try to withstand another horrible Los Angeles 75 degree day.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
B-ball Licks B-balls
I just finished watching the Lakers playoff game, and it reminded me why I like basketball the least of all the major sports. Something happened in the 4th quarter that just amazed and disgusted me as a sports fan. Kobe Bryant hit a three-point shot. Several minutes later, there was a pause in the game, and they went to commercial with the Lakers up by a point. When they came back, the game was tied; apparently the officials had reviewed Kobe's shot and determined his foot was inside the line, so it was only worth two.
Are you kidding me? I just watched several minutes of basketball, and the score was wrong? How long would this have gone on barring a break in the game? It's not like they stopped the game specifically to review the call - like they do in, say, football, or hockey, or even baseball now on controversial home runs. If this had been near the end of the game, and it ended with the Lakers thinking they had won by a point, would they then have gone off to commercial, come back, changed it to a tie and initiated overtime, when half the fans in attendance were already out in the parking lot? How can players play the game believing the score on the scoreboard is correct when it isn't?! Mind-boggling.
And while we're at it, basketball is weak for some other reasons, too. There are so many goddamn points scored, by nature it's simply less exciting when anyone scores. That's why nobody seemed to care when they took that Laker point away. They probably didn't even notice. And the last few minutes of a basketball game can be excruciatingly boring. Intentional fouls, endless free throws...what other sport encourages players to break the rules of the game as a strategy? And why, when someone commits a foul, does everyone have to stand around and watch one guy shoot uncontested shots? That's the most exciting thing you could come up with? Non-competition? In hockey, someone breaks a rule, he goes and sits in a box. His team is shorthanded. It creates a huge scoring advantage for the other team. It even has a cool name: power play. Free throw? Boring. Power play? Exciting.
And one more thing: why does a basketball game only last 48 minutes? Hockey, football - they're playing a full hour, and those sports are infinitely more physical than basketball. What, these guys can only play twelve minutes a quarter instead of fifteen? Their fans don't want to see as much basketball as hockey and football fans do of their sports?
In closing, let me just ask you this: which is the lamest name of a championship/series?
1) The World Series
2) The Super Bowl
3) The Stanley Cup
4) The NBA Finals
Way to spend five seconds coming up with a catchy moniker, fellas.
Are you kidding me? I just watched several minutes of basketball, and the score was wrong? How long would this have gone on barring a break in the game? It's not like they stopped the game specifically to review the call - like they do in, say, football, or hockey, or even baseball now on controversial home runs. If this had been near the end of the game, and it ended with the Lakers thinking they had won by a point, would they then have gone off to commercial, come back, changed it to a tie and initiated overtime, when half the fans in attendance were already out in the parking lot? How can players play the game believing the score on the scoreboard is correct when it isn't?! Mind-boggling.
And while we're at it, basketball is weak for some other reasons, too. There are so many goddamn points scored, by nature it's simply less exciting when anyone scores. That's why nobody seemed to care when they took that Laker point away. They probably didn't even notice. And the last few minutes of a basketball game can be excruciatingly boring. Intentional fouls, endless free throws...what other sport encourages players to break the rules of the game as a strategy? And why, when someone commits a foul, does everyone have to stand around and watch one guy shoot uncontested shots? That's the most exciting thing you could come up with? Non-competition? In hockey, someone breaks a rule, he goes and sits in a box. His team is shorthanded. It creates a huge scoring advantage for the other team. It even has a cool name: power play. Free throw? Boring. Power play? Exciting.
And one more thing: why does a basketball game only last 48 minutes? Hockey, football - they're playing a full hour, and those sports are infinitely more physical than basketball. What, these guys can only play twelve minutes a quarter instead of fifteen? Their fans don't want to see as much basketball as hockey and football fans do of their sports?
In closing, let me just ask you this: which is the lamest name of a championship/series?
1) The World Series
2) The Super Bowl
3) The Stanley Cup
4) The NBA Finals
Way to spend five seconds coming up with a catchy moniker, fellas.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Man I'm Gay
I've had a relatively crappy week. Plans being cancelled, meetings getting rescheduled, health scares, people being disrespectful, the routine legal trouble...and of course, worst of all, I haven't kvetched in over a week. So now on Friday, I figured I'd take my morning and passive-aggressively unload on everyone and everything that's pissed me off over the past few days. Just really express my overall disappointment in the human race.
But then a funny thing happened. I decided to do my daily P90X DVD workout first, which today happened to be yoga. And interestingly enough, now, 90 minutes of sweat-induced stretches later, my pent-up frustration is gone. I feel light and peaceful. It's amazing what a little twisting crescent pose can do for a man's perspective.
So I guess you poor saps have all been cheated out of what was sure to be a deliciously zing-filled rant. Sucks to be you. Ahhh, there it is: my previously estranged air of superiority! Good to have you back. Don't worry everybody, I'm sure I'll be back to being and angry, petty man just as soon as the next fuckwad takes too long to pay for something in front of me at Ralph's.
Namaste.
But then a funny thing happened. I decided to do my daily P90X DVD workout first, which today happened to be yoga. And interestingly enough, now, 90 minutes of sweat-induced stretches later, my pent-up frustration is gone. I feel light and peaceful. It's amazing what a little twisting crescent pose can do for a man's perspective.
So I guess you poor saps have all been cheated out of what was sure to be a deliciously zing-filled rant. Sucks to be you. Ahhh, there it is: my previously estranged air of superiority! Good to have you back. Don't worry everybody, I'm sure I'll be back to being and angry, petty man just as soon as the next fuckwad takes too long to pay for something in front of me at Ralph's.
Namaste.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
The Coolest Shit of All Time: Reprise
It's been over two years since I went to southeast Asia. Strolling down memory lane, I recently re-read the email I sent everyone I know from Vietnam detailing the most awesome experience of my life. I figured I'd reprint it here, if only to shamelessly glorify myself and continue living in the past. Here it is, dated February 19, 2008:
Ladies & Gentlemen:
Last night, in a matter of moments, I instantly became the coolest person I know. The following story is not for the faint of heart. If you are at all squeamish, please delete this email immediately. If you read on, do not claim I didn't warn you.
At the behest of rumors I had heard, the Vietnamese guy at the hotel I was staying at accompanied me at 6 PM to "O Sin," a snake house on the outskirts of Hanoi. A 65-year-old man with half an index finger (a cobra victim) greeted us and took us upstairs. He removed an enormous, hissing cobra from a bag and put it in another one. We went into a dining room. The man removed the cobra from the bag, held it up briefly for me to take a picture of, then smashed its head on the floor before taking a straight razor and slicing its chest open and removing its heart. A few minutes earlier, the man had poured some vodka into a carafe. As I was hyperventilating at this point, my memory is a bit fuzzy, but I remember the man draining blood from the snake into the carafe, then putting the cobra's heart into a shot glass on a dining table. I noted with horror that it was still beating as he poured vodka/snake blood over it, then poured a shot for himself, and indicated for me to drink.
With little hesitation, I FUCKING DRANK THE BEATING SNAKE'S HEART COATED IN ITS OWN BLOOD AND VODKA. Now that's a shot.
I, my hotel guy and the old man went on to finish the carafe of vodka and blood, and then killed another bottle of snake wine (some sort of strong booze sitting in a bottle with a dead snake) while a boy kept bringing out various dishes prepared from the cobra I had just seen murdered, cooked to perfection. As we devoured the snake, I looked up and noted a photograph on the wall of Vladimir Putin. The old man confirmed that the Russian leader had indeed preceded me, and signed an autograph I was shown. Upon finishing my meal, we took a taxi back to my hotel, drunk on vodka, wine and snake blood. It was about 8:30 PM. This experience cost me 1.1 million Vietnamese dong - about $66 (negotiated down from $80). It was the best $66 I have ever spent.
E
Ladies & Gentlemen:
Last night, in a matter of moments, I instantly became the coolest person I know. The following story is not for the faint of heart. If you are at all squeamish, please delete this email immediately. If you read on, do not claim I didn't warn you.
At the behest of rumors I had heard, the Vietnamese guy at the hotel I was staying at accompanied me at 6 PM to "O Sin," a snake house on the outskirts of Hanoi. A 65-year-old man with half an index finger (a cobra victim) greeted us and took us upstairs. He removed an enormous, hissing cobra from a bag and put it in another one. We went into a dining room. The man removed the cobra from the bag, held it up briefly for me to take a picture of, then smashed its head on the floor before taking a straight razor and slicing its chest open and removing its heart. A few minutes earlier, the man had poured some vodka into a carafe. As I was hyperventilating at this point, my memory is a bit fuzzy, but I remember the man draining blood from the snake into the carafe, then putting the cobra's heart into a shot glass on a dining table. I noted with horror that it was still beating as he poured vodka/snake blood over it, then poured a shot for himself, and indicated for me to drink.
With little hesitation, I FUCKING DRANK THE BEATING SNAKE'S HEART COATED IN ITS OWN BLOOD AND VODKA. Now that's a shot.
I, my hotel guy and the old man went on to finish the carafe of vodka and blood, and then killed another bottle of snake wine (some sort of strong booze sitting in a bottle with a dead snake) while a boy kept bringing out various dishes prepared from the cobra I had just seen murdered, cooked to perfection. As we devoured the snake, I looked up and noted a photograph on the wall of Vladimir Putin. The old man confirmed that the Russian leader had indeed preceded me, and signed an autograph I was shown. Upon finishing my meal, we took a taxi back to my hotel, drunk on vodka, wine and snake blood. It was about 8:30 PM. This experience cost me 1.1 million Vietnamese dong - about $66 (negotiated down from $80). It was the best $66 I have ever spent.
E
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Get Me the President of Television!
Watching the latest episode of VH1's Sober House, I suddenly became aware of an annoying trend that's exploded within the world of trashy reality television: an egregious overabundance of previews and recaps. That's right friends and family, you heard me: previews and recaps are cutting dangerously into the precious, limited number of minutes we're allotted each week to watch people destroy their own lives publicly.
Just to use this week's Sober House as an example: I saw last week, on the preview for this week's episode, that Tom Sizemore is going to freak out on Mike Starr, the bassist for Alice in Chains, and try to fight him. So for a week I've known this was coming, and have been very eager to see this development. This is an instance of the preview doing its job: luring me, a loyal viewer of the show, into watching the next episode.
So then naturally, at the beginning of this week's episode, VH1 shows the same titillating footage. Fine. Get me hyped up again. It's all good.
Here's what I don't need, though. I don't need you to go to every commercial break throughout the show saying "Coming up!" and then playing the exact same footage of Tom Sizemore freaking out on Mike Starr. I know that's coming up. I've gotten the previews for it multiple times before the episode even started. Stop bragging about your amazing show, and instead show your amazing show.
And while we're on the subject, when you come back from the commercials? I absolutely do not need you to replay the exact same 20 seconds of footage that led into the commercial. Give my advanced humanoid brain just a little bit of credit to remember what it just processed moments ago. I am not on the same hardcore drugs as the people on Sober House. I remember what happened before the commercial. Especially now - meaning, like, in the last seven years - with TiVo, I'm not even watching the commercials. I zip over them in seconds. So now you're just making me watch the exact same footage back to back, with only a seconds-long buffer of mindless button pushing in between. It's redundant. It's unnecessary. In short, it's unacceptable.
Keep in mind, this is only a big deal because I enjoy the show. I kvetch because I care. I know you have endless hours of entertaining reality footage of these disgusting people I despise. I also know you only have less than an hour to show me all the best moments of these human trainwrecks. So please, don't double up. Trust me enough to not need the refresher course of an easily distracted three year-old, and I shall reward you by destroying my own life, contentedly rotting away on my couch in the same spot, every week, for the rest of time.
Just to use this week's Sober House as an example: I saw last week, on the preview for this week's episode, that Tom Sizemore is going to freak out on Mike Starr, the bassist for Alice in Chains, and try to fight him. So for a week I've known this was coming, and have been very eager to see this development. This is an instance of the preview doing its job: luring me, a loyal viewer of the show, into watching the next episode.
So then naturally, at the beginning of this week's episode, VH1 shows the same titillating footage. Fine. Get me hyped up again. It's all good.
Here's what I don't need, though. I don't need you to go to every commercial break throughout the show saying "Coming up!" and then playing the exact same footage of Tom Sizemore freaking out on Mike Starr. I know that's coming up. I've gotten the previews for it multiple times before the episode even started. Stop bragging about your amazing show, and instead show your amazing show.
And while we're on the subject, when you come back from the commercials? I absolutely do not need you to replay the exact same 20 seconds of footage that led into the commercial. Give my advanced humanoid brain just a little bit of credit to remember what it just processed moments ago. I am not on the same hardcore drugs as the people on Sober House. I remember what happened before the commercial. Especially now - meaning, like, in the last seven years - with TiVo, I'm not even watching the commercials. I zip over them in seconds. So now you're just making me watch the exact same footage back to back, with only a seconds-long buffer of mindless button pushing in between. It's redundant. It's unnecessary. In short, it's unacceptable.
Keep in mind, this is only a big deal because I enjoy the show. I kvetch because I care. I know you have endless hours of entertaining reality footage of these disgusting people I despise. I also know you only have less than an hour to show me all the best moments of these human trainwrecks. So please, don't double up. Trust me enough to not need the refresher course of an easily distracted three year-old, and I shall reward you by destroying my own life, contentedly rotting away on my couch in the same spot, every week, for the rest of time.
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