You want to know how I know you're an unoriginal, insincere sonuvabitch? It's New Year's Eve. You're a fringe friend who I haven't spoken to in months. You live on the East Coast. And at about 9:04 PST, I get a text from you that says "Happy New Year!"
What a crude social gesture. Not only am I insulted that you would ever consider me stupid enough to think you actually texted me individually to express that uninspired sentiment. Not only did I waste some precious remaining seconds of the year reading your bullshit text. The real tragedy is that, as the ball dropped and a hallmark of time passed over you, your main concern was getting out your iPhone and blandly spamming everyone you know in the most basic of ways.
Why? So that you might briefly be on my mind before I forget about you again? So that you might selfishly inject yourself into as many people's lives as you can for just an instant with as little effort as possible?
Here's a suggestion: next New Year's Eve, at midnight, have a drink. Kiss a girl. Run screaming into the night. Or at the very least, use your mouth to speak the words "Happy New Year" to someone - be it on the phone to a loved one, or to a total and complete stranger. You'll find it much more rewarding.
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Classy move to not mention the "fringe friend"by name.
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