That's Enough, Brett Favre

You know who cries all the time and says things like "I need you to carry me"? Little spoiled three year-olds, to their mommies, when they don't feel like walking back from the grocery store to the car.

I'm sure your teammates are super excited to "carry you" in the game tonight. Even though you're their unquestioned leader, of course. It's the least they can do for you, after you jerked them around all preseason by pretending you might not be coming back. Again.

After all, it's not your fault you sent inappropriate text messages to a woman who wasn't your wife, and now the NFL is investigating you. How dare they hold you, an American hero and the inventor of football, to the ethical standards of a mere mortal!

Please do us all a favor and just go away already.

And while we're on the subject of spoiled football players: Really, Terrell Owens? You said your $2 million contract is like you're "playing for free this season"? Do you sit around trying to think of the most alienating comments possible? I've always been a big fan of yours, but give me a break. You know how many people get multiple millions of dollars to play a sport they love? Not too many. But I'm sure you'll learn that next season, when there are zero teams who will pay you for your services - or exactly one less than there was this year.