Every Phone is Illuminated

This is a picture of the corner of the Delta baggage claim area at JFK:

What a waste of space. Good thing there's five pay phones, just in case everyone loses their cell phones at once, and China suddenly disappears so we can't get any more. Also, kudos on making one phone all of six inches shorter than the others. For Asian travelers, I assume.

For Christ's sake, do something with this room. A space this size rents for like $1800 in Manhattan. Put in a snack machine, or an arcade game, or a fucking pool table as long as I'm gonna be down here waiting for my bag for a half hour, at the infuriating rate of three bags dropping out of the shoot every five minutes. This is worse than Chinese water torture.

I love air travel. It always puts me in my natural state of hating everything.

PS - apologies for the two China references

5SMR: Game Change

Does Sarah Palin really own that many hockey jerseys?

Puppy Love

Sometimes I feel like I waste time. A lot of times, actually. I fear that I'm not making the most of every day, or year, or 22 minute block. In today's day and age, there are just too many distractions that keep me from realizing my most supreme possible self. This thought sometimes gets me down.

Then I see things like this...

...and I feel a little bit better. Because no matter what I was doing while whoever made this flyer was making this flyer - watching Jersey Shore, kicking pebbles down the sidewalk, sitting in the shower and crying - it was time better spent on my part.

What is the message of this poster? Don't lock up adorable puppies? If the flyer just said "Have respect and compassion for all," well, okay. I get that. Kind of vague, but not a bad message - kind of like a fortune cookie. But the addition of the puppy prisoner pic makes the sentiment so bizarrely specific, to the extent that I don't even really understand it.

And man, what a number this person did with the Scotch tape. I'm not sure if you can tell, but that sucker is really taped onto that pole. This flyer's not coming down anytime soon.

Just thinking about the time and effort that went into this project - designing it on the computer, printing it out, going and taping it to streetlights around New York City...well, it goes a long way towards making the lazy man feel productive. And for that, my compassionate droog, I thank you.

5SMR: Wanderlust

Actually not too bad, despite what a horrible bomb this movie is. Definitely watchable, especially if you enjoy full-frontal male nudity.

5SMR: The Tillman Story (2010)

Shining the spotlight on just one more reason the W. administration was one of the worst in this country's history.

Five Second Movie Reviews

By far, my favorite thing they show on the TVs in the back of cabs is the Six Second Movie Review. If you're not familiar with the Six Second Movie Review, you can probably dream up what it is: a snarky guy yays or nays a new release with a Micro Machines-esque few lines of quip. Example: "We Bought a Zoo? More like We Bought a Turd - I'm out!!!"

Six Second Movie Review guy has inspired me...to do him one better and leave him in the dust. Introducing FIVE SECOND MOVIE REVIEWS!!! That's right: anytime I see any movie, from any time period, I will post a review of it right here on this very website, and it will take no longer than five seconds to read. This will allow me the opportunity to post more things, thus making me feel better about myself writing-wise, without actually having to do a whole lot more work.

I'm very excited to kick off the Five Second Movie Review with a special Kaptain Kvetch 2nd Annual Oscars Edition, reviewing all of the Best Picture nominees. Strap your socks down.

THE ARTIST
It will probably win, which says a lot about how talented screenwriters who use dialogue are these days.

THE DESCENDANTS
Clooney's Clooney, Alexander Payne's quirky, hot teenager in bikini. Worth seeing.

EXTREMELY LOUD AND INCREDIBLY CLOSE
This kid's not changing my mind on the whole reluctant-to-have-children thing.

THE HELP
A race relations film revolving around the hilarious practical joke of shitting in someone's food. Powerful stuff.

HUGO
Okay, I get it. Hollywood enjoys sucking its own dick.

MIDNIGHT IN PARIS
One of the better Woody Allen films. Also one of the better Owen Wilson films.

MONEYBALL
Never been more pleasantly surprised by a book adaptation. That Aaron Sorkin has a bright future.

THE TREE OF LIFE
A two and a half hour perfume ad. So...wonderful, if you like that kind of thing. Which I do not.

WAR HORSE
Unbelievably cheesy. But has inspired my forthcoming NC-17 directorial debut, WAR WHORES.

The Pigeon Whisperer

So I’m up on the observation deck of the Empire State Building, taking in the view. Outdoors, 86 stories up, 55 degrees. Beautiful day. As I’m standing there, I notice a pigeon walking around near me on the ledge, on the other side of the guard rail. “What the hell is a pigeon doing all the way up here?” I think to myself.

A few paces away, a small cluster of people are gathered around something. I go over and see that they’re watching a man who is clutching another pigeon in one hand, belly up, as he works to untangle some thread that’s caught in its foot.

My first thought is that this man must be an employee of the Empire State Building, some sort of bird handler who is treating this wounded – or at least inconvenienced – wild animal. Then I think, wait a second. That doesn’t make any sense. This isn’t a fucking zoo. Why would the Empire State Building care that a pigeon has some thread in its feet? That’s like the city paying a guy to comb the rats’ fur in the subway.

So then I think, well what’s the alternative? That this guy just picked this pigeon up off the building ledge, and is now fucking grooming it? Is that what’s going on here? It’s not like this guy was homeless; he was around my age, wearing a beanie and a shoulder bag. I stood and watched this guy, along with like four other people, for about ten minutes. In fact, there was another pigeon on the ledge also watching, clearly distressed, because he was pacing back and forth, warbling frantically. All the while, the captured pigeon is just hanging out, calm, cool and collected, while this man holds him and picks thread out of his foot. Here’s a picture I took of this bizarre scene:

I was losing my mind. I had to know what was happening. Finally, I spoke up. “Excuse me?” I said. The guy looked up at me. “Did you just pick up that pigeon?” I asked.

“No entiendo,” he said. So there you go. Dude didn’t even speak English. He was a tourist. He had come to see the Empire State Building, and while he was up there, he fucking picked up and cleaned a pigeon. I mean, that’s a hell of a story. I’d never seen anything like it in my life.

A minute later a security guard came over and told the man he had to put down the pigeon. The guy muttered something and kept working at the bird’s foot. The guard became more insistent. The guy held up a strand of thread to the guard, who then lightly smacked the guy on the arm, saying forcefully, “Sir! Put down the pigeon right now!” Finally the guy released the pigeon back onto the ledge, its foot now unencumbered from the thread.

The guard calmed down. “That’s nice of you,” he said. “But don’t pick up any more pigeons.”

A quick epilogue: I ended up behind this guy on line for the way out. He was with a female, who he at one point put his arm around. Which means his girlfriend is totally cool with her man intimately handling stray pigeons, then handling her.

Welcome to New York.