I Know, I Know...

...I haven't kvetched in awhile. I get it. You can stop reminding me. I've been busy moving from LA to New York, via Lafayette, CA. I've been a little crazed. Rest assured that plenty of things are still annoying the piss out of me, and I'm sure that will continue in a whole new New York state of mind when I arrive on the East Coast next week. But for the next few days, go find someone else's misery to delight in.

Bad Rap

If I hear one more rap song about doing shots of Patron, I'm going to freak out. I get that there's some unwritten rule that says rappers can't write songs about anything other than how awesome they are and how much they like to party, but do you guys really all have to drink the exact same booze, too? What, none of you can think of anything that rhymes with Cazadores? Here, let me help you out: florist, Boris, clitoris. That was just off the top of my head.

While we're at it, stop saying "Throw your hands in the air, and wave 'em like you just don't care," too. That was a fun lyric when Snoop first used it...20 years ago. Now it's just a tired cliche that implies you couldn't think of your own rhymes. What does that even mean, anyway? "Wow, look at that guy waving his arms around. He must be totally indifferent to everything."

Now Snoop is rapping on Katy Perry songs. It's a dark age of music.

How Do These People Find Me?

I was on a date the other night, having drinks at a hotel bar, when a couple sat down next to us. The girl was a little tipsy, but was friendly enough. The four of us made some pleasant small talk, and she kept complementing my date on everything: her hair, her clothes, her look, etc.

Then, out of nowhere, the girl says this to her: "You're a lot cuter than he is."

I turned around, incredulous. "What did you just say?" I asked.

"What?" she slurred defensively. "All I said is that she's cuter than you."

I couldn't believe it. What an epically insulting thing to say to a total stranger. I told her as much. "Do have any idea how rude that is?"

"Whaaaat? No it's not. I mean, you guys are cute together. I just mean, you know, she's cuter." I did not find this explanation to be suitable. Fail.

My date understandably backed away from this brewing controversy. "I'm staying out of this," she said, chuckling.

The drunk mess continued to dig herself a hole. "You should take it as a complement," she said.

"I should take that as a complement???" I asked, my voice rising. "I'm sitting here having a drink, you sit down and tell us that she's better-looking than me, and I should be fucking flattered?"

"Yeah, because, like, you're with her, and--"

I pointed to the guy she was with. "You know what? You're a lot stupider than he is." I turned away from her. That was the end of the conversation, other than her trying to stammer some sort of apology to my date. Five minutes later I paid the bill. Ten minutes later I was studying myself from all angles in the mirror. Damn my weakness for caring what strange inebriated imbeciles think of me!!!

And so this is the end of our story...and everyone is dead from AIDS...

I read an article in a magazine the other day titled "Health Scare of the Week: The Insidious Spread of Herpes." It said that one in six people have type-2 herpes simplex virus, but that 90% of those who have it don't even know it, because they don't have any symptoms, and doctors don't usually test for HSV-2.

Wow, I thought. That's pretty scary. I could be carrying around a strain of herpes and not even know it? I got pretty unsettled.

Then I thought back to a meeting I had with a television executive a couple weeks ago. He was telling me about a show his company is doing about shadowy "wag the dog" type forces who manipulate what's in the media in order to influence what the public believes, usually for financial gain. He gave me the example of the Swine Flu virus - the fact that it was basically just the flu, but since it was always in the news, people went into a panic, bought vaccines, etc.

Maybe this is one of those situations. I mean, a virus that has no symptoms, isn't tested for, and you can't even tell if you have it or not? That actually sounds much less scary than regular viruses. You know, the ones that make you sneeze and puke and die and stuff. If somebody said to you "I'm going to punch you in the face, but you won't feel it, won't remember it, and won't show any effects of it having happened," would you really feel all that threatened? That's just called not getting punched in the face.

Nice try, condom mongers.

My Thoughts on One of the More Significant Developments of Our Time, Without Trying to be Funny

This is all very bizarre. Never in my life have I ever witnessed such mass jubilation over the death of a human. Obviously I'm extremely psyched about this development; it's a pretty sweet victory for the good ol' US of A. It's just kind of interesting.

I mean, you must be a pretty bad guy to have throngs of people in the streets of America, crying with joy and singing songs as a result of your demise. Bin Laden was responsible for the murder of thousands of people. And yet he was so up front, so deliberate about it, that I have to think he really believed what he was doing was right. He must actually have thought he was doing the right thing.

Just like Hitler. Or Jared Loughner. Or anybody who's batshit crazy but has a surprisingly productive psychosis and wants to get some shit done.

Well, I'm happy we still have people we can call on to take care of business. This is the kind of thing Batman would have done if he was real.

Adios, asshole.

You're Welcome, Society

I was just driving along Hollywood Boulevard, filled with rage at the obscene traffic caused by a concert at the Hollywood Bowl. When you're stuck in a standstill at 11PM on a Saturday night after being at a dinner party in the Valley, your patience runs out very rapidly. Mine does, anyway.

As I was sitting there, I noticed the guy to my left, driving a car in the opposite direction, also stuck in the horrible traffic. I am not kidding at all when I tell you that this guy was literally - not figuratively - literally, sleeping at the wheel.


I mean, this guy was out. Mouth open, totally unconscious. Two full car lengths of open space in front of him. Since my window was down, I screamed "WAKE UP!!!" at the top of my lungs. As I drove off I just barely managed to see him snap out of his slumber, terrified, and realize he was piloting an automobile on a busy street.

There's no telling how many lives I saved tonight. And I got to shout at a stranger. My work here is done.

Please be Kidding

"The plan for Alex (Smith) is unchanged. He has the ability and license to be the starting quarterback and so does (2nd round draft pick) Colin (Kaepernick). We want to get the best players on our roster, throw the balls out there and let them compete." - San Francisco 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh


Pardon me for being blunt, Mr. Harbaugh, but are you completely fucking retarded? You're the highly coveted new coach of a once proud, currently embarrassing football franchise. I'm just a simple fan, but are you seriously considering starting off your first season coaching in the NFL with Alex Smith as your starting quarterback? How many terrible seasons does this guy have to fart his way through before he loses his job? Two more? Three? The six seasons he's put together sucking testicles doesn't count for anything?


A word of advice, Harbaugh: FIND ANOTHER QUARTERBACK. Your popularity in the Bay Area will skyrocket once you just start looking around.